My fiance Kim came home this morning in a tizzy after a Saturday morning grocery shopping fiasco. I had a client meeting later in the morning and was parenting our daughter while Kim was shopping. So Kim was in a bit of a hurry to get the shopping done and get home on time. The long and short of it is that she got a $150 speeding ticket AND forgot to get her change and receipt at the grocery store.

She arrived home visibly upset and frustrated.

Now, I wasn’t thrilled at having just spent $150+ needlessly. But before I even responded to Kim, I took a few moments to slow down and check in with myself using some basic emotional intelligence skills.

I asked myself:
1. How am I feeling?
2. How is she feeling?
3. What is the outcome I want?
4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?

Sounds simple right? Actually it is, but it hasn’t always been that way for me.

Let’s break down the process:

1. How am I feeling?
I’m actually pretty unfazed by the ticket. Obviously my preference is that we don’t get tickets, but I’m feeling compassionate for Kim. I’m also immediately seeing an OPPORTUNITY to deepen Kim’s trust and respect for me. This is so critical! When our spouse makes a mistake and we respond with strength and kindness, our bond grows. It’s like putting money in our emotional bank account. In the past I might have gone to the dark side and criticized my partner, or subtly shamed her. Make no mistake, this is deadly. I might even still do this when the stakes are higher or I’m at a weak point… but mostly I’m beyond this. How did I get beyond it? Practice. Awareness. Commitment.

2. How is she feeling?
She is obviously upset.

3. What is the outcome I want?
I want her to feel totally loved and love-able, open and trusting of me, happy. I also don’t want to start racking up speeding tickets.

4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?
It’s clear that Kim is beating herself up for getting a ticket. The last thing I’m going to do is rub her nose in it. I chose to support her and consciously help her move into self-forgiveness and love as quickly as possible without rushing her or being Mr Fix-it. She is grateful for this, and I get to enjoy the energy of a grateful and loving spouse. Win-Win! I also TRUST that she has learned whatever she needs to learn from this experience and there is absolutely no benefit to de-briefing this point with her.

Imagine all the ways this could have gone sideways. All it would take is a bit of unconscious, unskilled behaviour from me and we could have gone downhill fast (believe me, entire days and weekends have gone this way in the past). But we didn’t. And for this I’m grateful.