(Note: I was introduced to Ken Wilber’s work nearly a decade ago and have been playing with applying his language to the Gender Synergy model of relationship since I first started working with GS over a year ago. Presenting Gender Synergy in Wilber’s Integral terminology frames it in yet another way, hopefully recognizable and digestible to people familiar with his work. It’s been fun, illuminating and very useful to hold these models together.)

The language of Integral Theory fits my vision of new manhood and Gender Synergy relationships nicely. Here’s an introduction in Integral terms:

Most of us have a reasonably accurate understanding of the differences between masculine qualities and feminine qualities. At this time in our culture, ignoring or challenging these differences is common. Ignoring them is rather futile, it’s like pretending that there is no hot or cold, no sweet or salty. Challenging them is a healthy part of our evolution, but must eventually give way to something else.

Ken Wilber, pioneer of Integral Theory, uses the phrase “transcend and include” when he talks about how individual or group consciousness evolves. This phrase is meant to explain how a healthy evolutionary process doesn’t just jump from one absolute truth to another, but builds upon the best of previous knowledge and experience without becoming so tied to all of it that upward movement is arrested. 

Let’s apply this to the evolution of intimate relationships between men and women.

First, we must understand that all of us, men and women, contain and express BOTH masculine and feminine qualities. In other words, we all run both masculine and feminine energies, by varying degrees (It’s also worth noting that these energies can both run “light” to “dark,” but we’ll save that piece for another time).

Traditionally, men have run predominantly masculine energy, while women have run predominantly feminine. This was largely unconscious and a product of the times. Certainly biology, social construct, environment and so on all played a roll.

More recently, times have changed. Circumstances and consciousness have changed. Women have largely led the change, rising into their power and embodying more of their masculine energy. Simultaneously, men have been quietly discovering their feelings and embodying more feminine energy. This has been an important step, but the common error of our time is to assume that we have finished here, that by becoming “50/50″ or even reversing our gender poles, we have finally achieved balance, or equality. 

Ah yes, equality.

This relatively recent move toward social, economic and political equality between the sexes has been absolutely necessary. But, an equality that does not recognize the inherent QUALITATIVE differences between masculine and feminine throws the baby out with the bath-water.

A “transcend and include” approach to gender equality is for men today to INTEGRATE the feminine qualities they’ve discovered in themselves, to draw freely on them when this will be in service, but to CHOOSE generally to honour and lean into their masculine core, especially in relationship to their woman. For women, integrating their masculine qualities, drawing on them when appropriate, and CHOOSING to generally relax into their feminine core is the possibility. (Yes, there are gay and bi-sexual applications too, but it’s more than I want to get into on this short post.)

Some people fear a return to “pre-equality” when I talk about this, and it is crucial to understand the difference between (and here again I borrow a theme from Wilber) “pre-equality” and “trans-equality.” In the the pre-equality stage, there is no conscious choice. Men and women are locked into roles. In the trans-equality stage, women have discovered and integrated their masculine qualities, men have discovered and integrated their feminine qualities, and both CHOOSE to mostly inhabit their authentic core gender energies, KNOWING THAT THEY CAN DRAW ON BOTH MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGIES WHEN THEY CHOOSE. This creates a healthy sexual polarity or charge between men and women (Gender Synergy) that is largely missing today.

Find out how to put these principles to work in your relationship and life. Join me on my free 90 minute teleseminar GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships. Sign up at the top of this page. ***IMPORTANT: The next teleseminar is only a few days away, so please sign up now to receive dial-in instructions! There is no charge and absolutely no obligation.