When life falls apart, we tend to tighten and close, protecting ourselves. This tight, closed posture keeps us stuck in the breakdown phase. People can spend their whole lives here, twisting themselves to accommodate bitterness, mistrust and fear.

But when we let a breakdown break us OPEN, that’s when real change can happen. That’s when we find ourselves surrendering to the poignancy of the moment. Our hearts melt. Perhaps amidst sobs, we catch our breath and are awed by the depth of our (shared) human experience.

There’s an unmistakable shift from the breakdown phase to breaking open.

The posture of breaking down is different from breaking open. Breaking down is CONTRACTED and shallow. Breaking open is EXPANSIVE and deep. It’s lighter here, vulnerable and scary maybe, but also courageous, present and lively.

From this place, we have the opportunity to begin integrating our experience. New possibilities and insight emerge. This is BREAKTHROUGH.

I call this whole process Breaking Down… Breaking Open… Breaking through.

As your awareness of this process deepens, you might find that you can spend less time in the wholly unpleasant breakdown phase, moving quickly to breaking open, savouring the raw depth of experience here, and then moving on to integration and breakthrough.

But don’t be in such a hurry to get “back to business,” to breakthrough, that you skip the Breaking Open part altogether. There’s much benefit to be gained here! The consequence of skipping the breaking open phase is that even though you might get on with your mostly functional life… you remain contracted and closed.

Every breakdown comes with gifts, and it’s in the breaking open phase that these gifts are received.

The move from breaking open to breakthrough is generally quite natural and doesn’t usually require effort. You may not even really notice it. But the move from breakdown to breaking open can be more difficult and profound, especially if you’re accustomed to resisting it.

Here’s my tip: Use breath and posture.

Remember, breakdown is Contracted and Shallow, breaking open is Expansive and Deep. With your body, move from a contracted or collapsed posture into one that is expansive. Begin taking deeper, conscious breaths. Bring your head up. Expand your chest. Open your palms in offering and receptivity to the world. You’re not trying to change your emotions or thoughts, just provide a different container for them. In fact, repressed feelings may intensify. So feel them, and stay open. This is what growth feels like.

Now bring this to your relationship.