The common way to interpret personal energy is - You either got it or you don’t. If your energy is “low,” you’re tired or depressed. If you have “lots of energy,” you’re amped up, ready to go. This is a quantitative sort of energy where you can imagine yourself as a measuring container with x amount of energy units to spend.

But a more subtle and qualitative sort of energy is just as important and real. This kind of energy is the vibe that we give off (a slang term that is in fact very accurate - all energy vibrates at a particular frequency). 

This qualitative energy can be thought of as both the sum total of our outer expressions (clothes, posture, facial expression, tone of voice), as well as the underlying inner quality of our being.

The important point is that we unconsciously communicate with and affect each other in real and measurable ways… invisibly… energetically. Maybe you have some sense or understanding of this. Did you know that you can consciously transform the kind of energy or vibe you give off, for your benefit as well as everyone else’s? 

For almost 20 years, Heartmath Institute has been measuring and studying the electromagnetic fields (EMFs) that our bodies emit, and they have made some fascinating discoveries:

• Our hearts emit measurable EMFs. So do our brains.
• These EMFs interact with each other, affecting our cognitive abilities and emotional states.

Also:

• Our heart’s EMFs, (as well as our brain’s) extend well out from our bodies and, get this,  affect other people’s hearts and brains!

I’m not going to go deeply into the specifics of this in this post, but suffice to say… You are right now unconsciously affecting your own and other people’s (ie: your lover or spouse’s!) emotional states, cognitive functioning and physiology with your own subtle energies, including the quality of your thoughts and feelings. Imagine the implications for your relationship.

The only question is… will you make it conscious? 

Visit the Heartmath sites, check out their fascinating findings, and take advantage of the resources they offer.

Links:

Blog: The Heartmath Report
Heartmath: Science of the Heart
Solutions For Stress

At the root of any authentic spiritual practice is the cultivation of awareness beyond ego.

Your intimate or romantic relationship has much to offer in this regard. In fact, I suggest that this is one of the primary functions or opportunities that relationships offer.

Generally we enter relationships with the unconscious desire to feed or strengthen our egos, which is useful and appropriate at a certain stage of development. Over time however, The Universe/God/Goddess/Dharma/Awakening Consciousness usually has other plans for us!

The conflict, pain and disappointment that many of us experience in relationship has the potential to break us open in healthy surrender to a deeper aspect of our true selves. 

Once you open to this realization, your relationship landscape will change drastically, with possibilities showing up where bleak hopelessness once reigned. 

A very nifty tool for busy people who want to cultivate deeper awareness in their life and relationship is Spirituality & Practice, a unique online service that offers very digestible email study courses based on the work of leading spiritual teachers, both living and dead.

The quality of your gaze, your touch, your tone of voice - these little things contain powerful messages that shape your relationship, consciously or not. Slow down and pay attention to the subtleties of your life together. It’s the undercurrents, the little things, that contain the big things, not just the other way around. 

The masculine is concerned with big things, with boldness and grand gestures. There’s nothing wrong with this - it is as it should be - but know, the feminine picks up on the little things and turns them into big things. A masterful man sees the big reflected in the small and acts accordingly.

(Note: I was introduced to Ken Wilber’s work nearly a decade ago and have been playing with applying his language to the Gender Synergy model of relationship since I first started working with GS over a year ago. Presenting Gender Synergy in Wilber’s Integral terminology frames it in yet another way, hopefully recognizable and digestible to people familiar with his work. It’s been fun, illuminating and very useful to hold these models together.)

The language of Integral Theory fits my vision of new manhood and Gender Synergy relationships nicely. Here’s an introduction in Integral terms:

Most of us have a reasonably accurate understanding of the differences between masculine qualities and feminine qualities. At this time in our culture, ignoring or challenging these differences is common. Ignoring them is rather futile, it’s like pretending that there is no hot or cold, no sweet or salty. Challenging them is a healthy part of our evolution, but must eventually give way to something else.

Ken Wilber, pioneer of Integral Theory, uses the phrase “transcend and include” when he talks about how individual or group consciousness evolves. This phrase is meant to explain how a healthy evolutionary process doesn’t just jump from one absolute truth to another, but builds upon the best of previous knowledge and experience without becoming so tied to all of it that upward movement is arrested. 

Let’s apply this to the evolution of intimate relationships between men and women.

First, we must understand that all of us, men and women, contain and express BOTH masculine and feminine qualities. In other words, we all run both masculine and feminine energies, by varying degrees (It’s also worth noting that these energies can both run “light” to “dark,” but we’ll save that piece for another time).

Traditionally, men have run predominantly masculine energy, while women have run predominantly feminine. This was largely unconscious and a product of the times. Certainly biology, social construct, environment and so on all played a roll.

More recently, times have changed. Circumstances and consciousness have changed. Women have largely led the change, rising into their power and embodying more of their masculine energy. Simultaneously, men have been quietly discovering their feelings and embodying more feminine energy. This has been an important step, but the common error of our time is to assume that we have finished here, that by becoming “50/50″ or even reversing our gender poles, we have finally achieved balance, or equality. 

Ah yes, equality.

This relatively recent move toward social, economic and political equality between the sexes has been absolutely necessary. But, an equality that does not recognize the inherent QUALITATIVE differences between masculine and feminine throws the baby out with the bath-water.

A “transcend and include” approach to gender equality is for men today to INTEGRATE the feminine qualities they’ve discovered in themselves, to draw freely on them when this will be in service, but to CHOOSE generally to honour and lean into their masculine core, especially in relationship to their woman. For women, integrating their masculine qualities, drawing on them when appropriate, and CHOOSING to generally relax into their feminine core is the possibility. (Yes, there are gay and bi-sexual applications too, but it’s more than I want to get into on this short post.)

Some people fear a return to “pre-equality” when I talk about this, and it is crucial to understand the difference between (and here again I borrow a theme from Wilber) “pre-equality” and “trans-equality.” In the the pre-equality stage, there is no conscious choice. Men and women are locked into roles. In the trans-equality stage, women have discovered and integrated their masculine qualities, men have discovered and integrated their feminine qualities, and both CHOOSE to mostly inhabit their authentic core gender energies, KNOWING THAT THEY CAN DRAW ON BOTH MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGIES WHEN THEY CHOOSE. This creates a healthy sexual polarity or charge between men and women (Gender Synergy) that is largely missing today.

Find out how to put these principles to work in your relationship and life. Join me on my free 90 minute teleseminar GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships. Sign up at the top of this page. ***IMPORTANT: The next teleseminar is only a few days away, so please sign up now to receive dial-in instructions! There is no charge and absolutely no obligation.

Men often crave the relief and satisfaction of completion. We like to do a job well, and move our focus to the next thing.

When our relationship challenges keep resurfacing over time it’s important to remember that relationship mastery is a journey, a gradual (or sometimes sudden) series of deepening experiences. It’s not a destination. Don’t be in too much of a hurry to finish - it’s not done until you draw your last breath! If you’re waiting to find reward until the journey is complete, you’re ripping yourself off, and her too.

Please, celebrate your accomplishments and milestones along the way. Relax into your relationship now, even though you haven’t “mastered” it, knowing that there are always more challenges and rewards to come. 

Learning to rest in the present expansive moment, no matter what the flavour of that moment is - THAT is the path of mastery. Learn to do THAT and your life and relationship will transform.

How to get there? Practice. There is expansiveness in every moment if you will open to it. Every time you forget, it is always there to come back to. Underneath whatever activity is currently commanding your attention - a project or report, sex, an argument, a hockey game - there is a deeper experience to feel into.

This is why many men have meditative or contemplative practices, to get good at feeling into the depth and expansiveness just below normal consciousness.

Despite the deluge of quick fixes, seduction techniques and “secrets” flooding the internet and bookstore shelves, bringing this depth of awareness into your relationship is really what the journey of relationship mastery is all about. And first you’ll probably have to learn to bring it into your life in general. (see Getting to Breakthrough)

Expect your internal blocks to get in the way, many of them un-integrated wounds left over from childhood. Anger, fear, resentment, mistrust and so on can keep us from feeling into the depth and openness of our true selves. This is where good therapy, mentoring, coaching and spiritual and insight practice can be invaluable. Check out some of the books in the sidebar on this site.

May the writing and resources on this web site inspire, inform, challenge and ultimately help you to enjoy your journey.

(Note: Today’s post is by Charlie Badenhop. Find out more about his work by following the links at the bottom of the post.)

About thirty seven years ago I was both unlucky and lucky enough, to be incarcerated for five months in a Greek prison during a military dictatorship. Myself and many other foreigners were swept up by the military government in an attempt to rid the country of “undesireables”. 

I say “unlucky” because even though I was never charged with a crime, I was forced to live in harsh and dangerous prison conditions. I say “lucky” because I met some of the finest people in the world while in jail, and learned much that has sustained me in the rest of my life. 

I’ve decided to finally share some of my Greek stories with you, in the hope that you might benefit from what I learned “the hard way.” 

________________________________________

My first day in jail I met an unshaven Greek man in his sixties. I had been placed in a holding cell, and spent 48 hours with this gentleman by the name of Stephan, and one other man. As it turned out, Stephan wound up in the same prison as me, and he was to become my benefactor and friend. 

After sizing me up for an hour or so and saying nothing, Stephan sidled up alongside of me and offered the following gems of wisdom. 

“You’ll need to learn quickly in here” he said, “You have no choice.” 

“Life is not fair. If anyone led you to believe it’s supposed to be, then they’ve badly misled you. Getting angry about what’s unfair will not serve you. When you hear an angry voice in your head, know it as an enemy. Anger will only tend to make you act without wisdom.” 

“If you’re not angry then you’ll tend to have a good relationship with time. In jail, time is an ally. Time is all you have and you have to spend it wisely. When you’re not angry and you’re getting along well with time, you’ll tend to get along well with people. Good relationships and strong bonds of friendship are crucial.”

“If you’re in a good relationship with time and people, you’ll tend to be more patient. Patience is another important ally. The more you try and hurry the more likely you are to stumble. If you’re patient you’ll have more peace of mind, and you might even occasionally feel happy. The more you watch others who are impatient and try to rush things, the more you’ll understand that impatience is a cousin of fear.”

“It’s important to cultivate a heart that’s free from fear. When you’re fearful you won’t have the courage it takes to defend yourself and do what’s right. Fear is not something you will easily overcome but you need to do your best no matter what, because you’ll need to learn to endure pain and suffering rather than trying to run away from it. There is no place to run.”

“When you’re fearful you lose the ability to speak the truth at the times when truth is most important. In here you’re going to need to learn how to live amongst thieves, murderers, and con artists. These people will talk all sorts of nonsense to try and get what they want from you. Because of this it’s important you speak in a clear and simple manner, so people can feel the truth of your words. You need to defend the truth as if it was your child.”

“It’s not the bars on the windows and doors that keep you in jail, but rather the thoughts you hold in your head and in your heart. If you want to be free, you need to be thankful for the time you have to spend here. I really mean that! You need to have a sense of gratitude no matter what happens, and express your thanks by being kind to other people. You see, it’s the expression of gratitude and kindness that will strengthen you to endure physical and emotional hardships. Gratitude and kindness reconnect you to the spirit that animates all of life. In the process you learn that even as there might be more pain and suffering in the future, there will also be more of you.” 

“And finally, it’s important to know it’s a strength to weep for others, while all the time never feeling sorry for yourself.” 

Stephan paused and stared into my eyes. 

“Take some time with all that I say here. Sit by yourself if you need to. Breathe deeply and take in the signs of life and spirit, that are all around you. Find a way to ask for the things that cannot be spoken of in words.”

(From Pure Heart, Simple Mind. By Charlie Badenhop - originator of Seishindo.  (c) All rights reserved.)

    What’s better: 

    The Majestic Mountain Peak or the Lush Valley?
         Hot or Cold?
              Hard or Soft?
                   Wet or Dry?

Without one, would the other even exist? 

We live in a world of apparent opposites, of polarity. Our planet’s rotation and very existence depends on the magnetic poles of North and South. You could say that polarity is a kind of universal law. When it comes to human sexuality we are wise to remember this. 

The women’s equality movement and modern liberalism in general has brought many benefits. Men and women are now positioned to move forward with the understanding that we are QUANTITATIVE equals, that is, neither is inherently superior or inferior to the other. However, if we ignore our QUALITATIVE differences, our relationships will continue to suffer. 

It is the polarity between masculine and feminine that provides the attraction, the magnetic pull and even the drive for evolutionary and spiritual growth.

Try to flatten the mountains and fill in the valleys, and you’ll create a “flatland” relationship. Do away with hot and cold and you get eternal lukewarm. Yuck.

Wouldn’t you rather learn to bring the power that makes the world go ’round into your intimate relationship?

Find out how:

Sign up for my free teleclass GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships at the top of this page and join the hundreds and thousands of other men, women and couples who have discovered the secret to relationship success.

She is your equal, but she is different from you. Are you blindly trying to make her the same? Do you really want yourself for a lover?

Maybe she makes less money than you and feels badly about not contributing enough. Do you subtly re-enforce this? How generous do you allow yourself to be? What she has the potential to give you through her sheer feminine brilliance is far more valuable than cash. Do you encourage this brilliance through your actions and attitude, or are you stuck in “equality issues?” 

Maybe she makes MORE than you, doing work she loves, and you resent this. Can you let go of this love-killing fixation and take inspiration and nourishment from her? 

You probably pride yourself on certain qualities. 

Maybe you always put the CD back in its case. Maybe you’re always on time, or can account for every penny you spend.

Good for you, but don’t expect the same of her. When you reduce your relationship to navigating domestic life with maximum efficiency you kill love. Don’t nag her for leaving the CD out of its case, just put it away. And not with resentment, but with gratitude. Make it an act of celebration for the fact that she has been born, grown to adulthood and is now here, helping you feel something.

It is precisely her qualities that challenge you that are right now making you a better man. Wake up to this and start making your differences work for you.

Anyone else notice this?

It’s like, maybe if I bang my head HARDER…

Of course, “Working on our relationship” isn’t generally at the top of most guy’s to-do list. But our spouses might expect it. Or we think we SHOULD do it… after all, many experts tell us it’s mandatory.

“But you don’t understand. We have ISSUES.”

Great, so let’s spend our precious time together hashing over our problems for hours on end until we both feel confused, upset and exhausted. Then we can start over again tomorrow, fulfilling the pessimist’s bleak summation: Life is Hard, and Then You Die.

“OK smart guy, what do you suggest?”

Thought you’d never ask! Simple… Celebration!

As Jon Eisman (Senior Hakomi Trainer and originator of the Re-Creation of the Self coaching model) likes to say, “Imagine you have two options: You can spend the next five minutes hitting yourself with a hammer, or you can give yourself a nice relaxing massage. Which would you prefer?”

Similarly, you have a choice to “work on your relationship”… or to celebrate it.

Working on it almost always means focussing on what’s negative, difficult or dark. Celebrating it means focussing on what’s positive, easy and fun. And what happens to anything you focus on? It expands right? Kind of a no-brainer if you ask me.

I’m making a point here - sure, sometimes we need to attend to a problem. But many of us fall into the trap of ONLY attending to problems until we don’t see anything else. It becomes a habit.

What’s actually going RIGHT in your relationship? What do you appreciate? There’s SOMETHING, even if it’s small. Celebrate THAT. Tangibly. Intentionally. Together. With a dinner or a toast or a massage or a kiss or a dance or an embrace or whatever you choose.

You can always come back to the hammer anytime.

Are relationships primarily for mutual support and understanding? Sexual pleasure? Financial efficiency? Healing? Personal growth?

If you don’t ask this fundamental question, how can you ever know if you’re succeeding?

Are your relationship goals the same or different from hers? Does it matter? Are they complementary? Synergistic? Incompatible? Flexible? Rigid? Changing?

Find out.

We tend to assume that romantic relationships exist to give us pleasure. If they don’t, we assume they’re broken. After all, it probably felt pretty good at the beginning right?

The good news is that yes, relationships do have the potential to offer us feelings of well-being. And that’s not all.

They also help us grow up. If we let them.

If your relationship is less than pleasurable, it is asking something of you. A difficult relationship is asking you to LET GO of something, or perhaps to go deeper INTO something. You can be certain that there is a powerful growth opportunity within the relationship that you will have a glimpse of when you are open (or desperate) enough to see it. And you’ll probably find it where it hurts the most.

If you will reframe your relationship challenges as opportunities, a world of new possibilities can emerge.