There’s something inspiring about her. Maybe it’s a big thing, maybe it’s small. 

There’s a moment that she does or says something, or a way she moves. Let go of your criticism for just a few minutes. What’s divine about your woman? What stirs you?

Now choose to celebrate that. Celebrate it with a few deep, conscious breaths right now on your own. Celebrate it with a gift to her. You don’t have to tell her what you’re celebrating, but tell yourself.

If you’re not used to celebration, you might wonder what exactly I mean. Consider this equation: CELEBRATION = APPRECIATION + ACTION.

CELEBRATION IS APPRECIATION IN ACTION.

My coach Jean-Pierre LeBlanc turned me on to this simple and powerful realization during a group call. I understood the power of appreciation, but conscious celebration was less familiar. Now it has become second nature (thank you Jean-Pierre)! 

It’s easy to get hooked into fixating on all the problems in your relationship, the things you don’t like. This can become habitual, until subconsciously you believe that there are only problems to be fixed, only deficits.

You’re familiar with the law of attraction? What you focus your attention on expands. What you appreciate… appreciates. 

Well, CELEBRATION is like APPRECIATION to the power of ten because it includes ACTION. And because you are a human being with a masculine core, action is a potent synergist for whatever you find inspiring in Her.

Here it is in four easy steps:

1. Identify something (anything!) in your woman that you like, that you want more of.
2. Find a conscious, tangible way to celebrate it, alone or with her (or even with others…).
3. Watch it grow!
4. Repeat.

Imagine this - All of your life being a celebration… your appreciation in action. No more re-acting against, or numbing out. Pure celebration. What would your life be like? What would the world be like?

It’s possible. Start where you are. Start today. 

Here’s a CHALLENGE, and an opportunity to MAKE IT REAL and MAKE IT STRONGER: Share your celebration with our readers. Tell us WHAT you choose to celebrate in your woman, HOW you will celebrate it, and WHEN. Or share your stories of past celebration and the effect it had.

My hope is to see hundreds of men step up to this challenge and encourage other men with their ideas and stories of actively, consciously, celebrating their women. Please share.

(Note: I was introduced to Ken Wilber’s work nearly a decade ago and have been playing with applying his language to the Gender Synergy model of relationship since I first started working with GS over a year ago. Presenting Gender Synergy in Wilber’s Integral terminology frames it in yet another way, hopefully recognizable and digestible to people familiar with his work. It’s been fun, illuminating and very useful to hold these models together.)

The language of Integral Theory fits my vision of new manhood and Gender Synergy relationships nicely. Here’s an introduction in Integral terms:

Most of us have a reasonably accurate understanding of the differences between masculine qualities and feminine qualities. At this time in our culture, ignoring or challenging these differences is common. Ignoring them is rather futile, it’s like pretending that there is no hot or cold, no sweet or salty. Challenging them is a healthy part of our evolution, but must eventually give way to something else.

Ken Wilber, pioneer of Integral Theory, uses the phrase “transcend and include” when he talks about how individual or group consciousness evolves. This phrase is meant to explain how a healthy evolutionary process doesn’t just jump from one absolute truth to another, but builds upon the best of previous knowledge and experience without becoming so tied to all of it that upward movement is arrested. 

Let’s apply this to the evolution of intimate relationships between men and women.

First, we must understand that all of us, men and women, contain and express BOTH masculine and feminine qualities. In other words, we all run both masculine and feminine energies, by varying degrees (It’s also worth noting that these energies can both run “light” to “dark,” but we’ll save that piece for another time).

Traditionally, men have run predominantly masculine energy, while women have run predominantly feminine. This was largely unconscious and a product of the times. Certainly biology, social construct, environment and so on all played a roll.

More recently, times have changed. Circumstances and consciousness have changed. Women have largely led the change, rising into their power and embodying more of their masculine energy. Simultaneously, men have been quietly discovering their feelings and embodying more feminine energy. This has been an important step, but the common error of our time is to assume that we have finished here, that by becoming “50/50″ or even reversing our gender poles, we have finally achieved balance, or equality. 

Ah yes, equality.

This relatively recent move toward social, economic and political equality between the sexes has been absolutely necessary. But, an equality that does not recognize the inherent QUALITATIVE differences between masculine and feminine throws the baby out with the bath-water.

A “transcend and include” approach to gender equality is for men today to INTEGRATE the feminine qualities they’ve discovered in themselves, to draw freely on them when this will be in service, but to CHOOSE generally to honour and lean into their masculine core, especially in relationship to their woman. For women, integrating their masculine qualities, drawing on them when appropriate, and CHOOSING to generally relax into their feminine core is the possibility. (Yes, there are gay and bi-sexual applications too, but it’s more than I want to get into on this short post.)

Some people fear a return to “pre-equality” when I talk about this, and it is crucial to understand the difference between (and here again I borrow a theme from Wilber) “pre-equality” and “trans-equality.” In the the pre-equality stage, there is no conscious choice. Men and women are locked into roles. In the trans-equality stage, women have discovered and integrated their masculine qualities, men have discovered and integrated their feminine qualities, and both CHOOSE to mostly inhabit their authentic core gender energies, KNOWING THAT THEY CAN DRAW ON BOTH MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGIES WHEN THEY CHOOSE. This creates a healthy sexual polarity or charge between men and women (Gender Synergy) that is largely missing today.

Find out how to put these principles to work in your relationship and life. Join me on my free 90 minute teleseminar GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships. Sign up at the top of this page. ***IMPORTANT: The next teleseminar is only a few days away, so please sign up now to receive dial-in instructions! There is no charge and absolutely no obligation.

You have a unique opportunity as the primary man in your woman’s life.

She has doubtlessly had negative and painful experiences in relationship to men. For some women these experiences have been mild, for some they have been extreme. Maybe daddy or other adult males ignored her, shouted at her or molested her when she was a young girl. Maybe she had a terrible experience with a boyfriend, uncle or stranger. 

The point is, you can be nearly certain that she is holding some past hurt from a man and that this hurt is leaking into her relationship with you.

Is this your fault? Of course not. Can you do something about it? Absolutely. And when you do - she will benefit, you will benefit and the relationship will prosper. 

So what to do?

1. What you’re (hopefully) already doing.
At the most basic level, simply do your best at what you already know is important. (If you don’t know what is important, read the books in my sidebar and attend my Gender Synergy 101 teleclass!) Listen. Be Patient, Solid and Trustworthy. Know your Heart. Keep working towards being the man you truly want to be. (Again, if you don’t know what this means - find out now! Stop reading, pick up the phone and call me. It’s important.) 

2. Look For Her Missing Experiences.
At the next level, you can get more strategic. What are the missing experiences in her life involving men? What need was never met? Is it having a man listen to her without trying to fix her? Is it having a man keep his word and be accountable? Is it having a man be totally present while she freaks out? Is it feeling safe in her sensuality? Not sure? Listen for clues. Next time she shuts down or accuses “You always…” or “You never…” chances are THAT’S her missing experience. It may or may not actually be true in THIS case, but that’s not the point. This isn’t about YOU right now, it’s about the little girl who didn’t get what she needed. See if you can recognize what her missing experiences are, then provide them lovingly and without fanfare. 

3. Provide Missing Experiences Together.
At the third level you actually strategize together, naming missing experiences and then providing them to each other. This requires a fair bit of trust, willingness and sophistication. A professional third party (generally coach or therapist - I offer this service) can be a valuable facilitator for this process. You may want to check out the Imago Theory of Relationship developed by Harville Hendrix and popularized in his book “Getting the Love You Want.” I’ve worked with this book personally and found it valuable (although like many relationship self-help books it would benefit enormously from an understanding of Gender Synergy principles!). 

This healing approach to relationship provides many benefits:

• When you ask yourself “Hmmm, what’s her missing experience here?” you automatically step back from a volatile situation and get some perspective, making yourself less likely to get “hooked” and throw gas on the fire. It gives you a framework that lets you take conflict less personally.
• She gets met from you in a whole new way and sees you with new eyes.
• Entrenched relationship systems get infused with a new kind of energy.
• Your relationship takes a bigger form and gains a new sense of meaning and mission (Oh, we’re here to heal each other…).

By making an intention to help your woman heal, through her relationship with you, you also give yourself an opportunity to cultivate the positive masculine traits that will drive your own success and healing in every aspect of your life. Consider this, for many guys, it is the sense of mission, of rising to the challenge, of succeeding in the face of adversity, of truly serving… that is the masculine missing experience. 

Pitfalls… beware:

• You are not your partner’s therapist! Don’t get clinical or analytical with her. She’ll probably hate it. Show up authentically as her lover.
• You are not responsible for her actions. 
• Not everyone is ready to jump into this kind of work. Approach it gently and compassionately. Like Gender Synergy, the benefits of this approach can be enjoyed with or without your woman’s conscious participation.  
• She’ll probably test you. She’ll wonder, “Is this for real?” Maybe she’ll turn up the heat and see if you crumble. At level 3 you might name this. Whatever else you do, get support from outside the relationship - your conscious buddies, men’s group, coach, counsellor or therapist: this is critical!

Some important things in life are so obvious that they’re often ignored. Much relationship friction (and not the kind you like) can be attributed to these four basic infractions:

1. Lack of Sleep
Since I’ve had kids I’ve seen first hand the human need for rest, both from my own experience of sleep deprivation, and from observing the little munchkins. When little kids get tired they snap. They turn into demons. Adults do too, we just don’t have someone to make us go to bed.

How many times have you been up late into the night arguing passionately about something that seems totally inconsequential in the morning? Or is it just me…

2. Lack of Exercise
Exercise is a natural mood elevator. It also enhances sexual performance. So Just Do It.

3. Stress
We assume that we have to live with high levels of stress and anxiety. We don’t. You have choices. There are TONS of de-stressing techniques and lifestyle changes to explore. One really important thing to notice is how caffeine affects your RQ (That’s Relationship Intelligence). Coffee is so pervasive in our Starbucks culture, we forget how powerful a drug it is. I had to stop drinking coffee because it basically turned me into an asshole. I can squeak by on tea.

4. Poor Eating Habits 
Eating well stabilizes blood sugar and makes you more resilient to relationship stress and challenges. The mealtime ritual can also be a good time for connecting with your sweetheart. I have a lot to say about eating and nutrition but since this is a relationship blog I won’t digress.

So before you start griping on your relationship, or even start couples counselling or coaching, be honest about how well you’re taking care of yourself right now. Sometimes the answer isn’t complicated, it’s right under your nose, and it’s just just a matter of committing. Of course we all WANT to get enough sleep. We WANT to exercise, to reduce our stress levels and to eat well. So now you have even more incentive. 

What’s that you say? It’s hard to stay accountable to yourself? I know someone who specializes in that sort of thing…

    What’s better: 

    The Majestic Mountain Peak or the Lush Valley?
         Hot or Cold?
              Hard or Soft?
                   Wet or Dry?

Without one, would the other even exist? 

We live in a world of apparent opposites, of polarity. Our planet’s rotation and very existence depends on the magnetic poles of North and South. You could say that polarity is a kind of universal law. When it comes to human sexuality we are wise to remember this. 

The women’s equality movement and modern liberalism in general has brought many benefits. Men and women are now positioned to move forward with the understanding that we are QUANTITATIVE equals, that is, neither is inherently superior or inferior to the other. However, if we ignore our QUALITATIVE differences, our relationships will continue to suffer. 

It is the polarity between masculine and feminine that provides the attraction, the magnetic pull and even the drive for evolutionary and spiritual growth.

Try to flatten the mountains and fill in the valleys, and you’ll create a “flatland” relationship. Do away with hot and cold and you get eternal lukewarm. Yuck.

Wouldn’t you rather learn to bring the power that makes the world go ’round into your intimate relationship?

Find out how:

Sign up for my free teleclass GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships at the top of this page and join the hundreds and thousands of other men, women and couples who have discovered the secret to relationship success.

I learned the power of acknowledgement in my training and experience as a coach. Acknowledgement feeds people. A well-placed and heartfelt acknowledgement can get through the toughest armour. It can even melt frozen hearts. And it’s free, doesn’t cost you a thing. No matter where you’re at in your relationship, you have endless opportunities to acknowledge a positive quality in your woman. Please start acting on these opportunities today!

I want to clarify - Acknowledgement is different from Praise. Acknowledgement directly names the core qualities that you see in someone. It speaks to a person’s BE-ing. Praise tends to be more about a person’s DO-ing.

ie: 
“You are wise,” is an acknowledgement. 
“You made a really wise choice,” is praise.

Both are valuable. Praise might be easier to give, but acknowledgement can be so much more powerful. If giving acknowledgements is challenging for you, know that it gets easier with practice. And know this - the more that you acknowledge the qualities that you appreciate in your woman, the more they grow. 

So here are the 5 ingredients for success:

1. Authenticity. 
Your heart must be in it. If you’re not feeling it, don’t say it - it’ll sound lame. (This doesn’t mean it has to be ALL you’re feeling). Get in touch with the TRUTH of your acknowledgement before you deliver it. Never fake it. This isn’t about sucking up or trying to guess what she wants to hear. It’s about cutting through your own noise and bullshit, seeing something amazing or beautiful in the woman that you’re with, and naming it, with courage if that’s what it takes.

2. Brevity. 
Keep it short and sweet. The best acknowledgements are generally three to five words: “You are —.” Say it, then wait. Don’t fill the gap! Let her digest it. Keep eye contact. Feel into the energy of the moment. 

3. Healthy Detachment.
She may blow it off. She may melt. Mean it, say it  - then immediately let go of the outcome. Saying these words is as much for your benefit as hearing them is for hers.

4. Timing.
Life is full of poignant and powerful moments. Use them. An acknowledgement delivered after the fact loses its impact. Its power is in the now.

5. Focus.
Make it about Her. Powerful acknowledgements honour the person being acknowledged. Stick to the “You are —” format. ”You are a good mom” is a lot different than “I think you’re a good mom.”

Here are some sample acknowledgements:
“You are beautiful.”
“You are wise.”
“You are very loving.”
“You’re smart.”
“You’re really fun.”
“You’re radiant.”
“You’re resourceful.”
“You are inspiring.”
“You are strong.”

My fiance Kim came home this morning in a tizzy after a Saturday morning grocery shopping fiasco. I had a client meeting later in the morning and was parenting our daughter while Kim was shopping. So Kim was in a bit of a hurry to get the shopping done and get home on time. The long and short of it is that she got a $150 speeding ticket AND forgot to get her change and receipt at the grocery store.

She arrived home visibly upset and frustrated.

Now, I wasn’t thrilled at having just spent $150+ needlessly. But before I even responded to Kim, I took a few moments to slow down and check in with myself using some basic emotional intelligence skills.

I asked myself:
1. How am I feeling?
2. How is she feeling?
3. What is the outcome I want?
4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?

Sounds simple right? Actually it is, but it hasn’t always been that way for me.

Let’s break down the process:

1. How am I feeling?
I’m actually pretty unfazed by the ticket. Obviously my preference is that we don’t get tickets, but I’m feeling compassionate for Kim. I’m also immediately seeing an OPPORTUNITY to deepen Kim’s trust and respect for me. This is so critical! When our spouse makes a mistake and we respond with strength and kindness, our bond grows. It’s like putting money in our emotional bank account. In the past I might have gone to the dark side and criticized my partner, or subtly shamed her. Make no mistake, this is deadly. I might even still do this when the stakes are higher or I’m at a weak point… but mostly I’m beyond this. How did I get beyond it? Practice. Awareness. Commitment.

2. How is she feeling?
She is obviously upset.

3. What is the outcome I want?
I want her to feel totally loved and love-able, open and trusting of me, happy. I also don’t want to start racking up speeding tickets.

4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?
It’s clear that Kim is beating herself up for getting a ticket. The last thing I’m going to do is rub her nose in it. I chose to support her and consciously help her move into self-forgiveness and love as quickly as possible without rushing her or being Mr Fix-it. She is grateful for this, and I get to enjoy the energy of a grateful and loving spouse. Win-Win! I also TRUST that she has learned whatever she needs to learn from this experience and there is absolutely no benefit to de-briefing this point with her.

Imagine all the ways this could have gone sideways. All it would take is a bit of unconscious, unskilled behaviour from me and we could have gone downhill fast (believe me, entire days and weekends have gone this way in the past). But we didn’t. And for this I’m grateful.

When life falls apart, we tend to tighten and close, protecting ourselves. This tight, closed posture keeps us stuck in the breakdown phase. People can spend their whole lives here, twisting themselves to accommodate bitterness, mistrust and fear.

But when we let a breakdown break us OPEN, that’s when real change can happen. That’s when we find ourselves surrendering to the poignancy of the moment. Our hearts melt. Perhaps amidst sobs, we catch our breath and are awed by the depth of our (shared) human experience.

There’s an unmistakable shift from the breakdown phase to breaking open.

The posture of breaking down is different from breaking open. Breaking down is CONTRACTED and shallow. Breaking open is EXPANSIVE and deep. It’s lighter here, vulnerable and scary maybe, but also courageous, present and lively.

From this place, we have the opportunity to begin integrating our experience. New possibilities and insight emerge. This is BREAKTHROUGH.

I call this whole process Breaking Down… Breaking Open… Breaking through.

As your awareness of this process deepens, you might find that you can spend less time in the wholly unpleasant breakdown phase, moving quickly to breaking open, savouring the raw depth of experience here, and then moving on to integration and breakthrough.

But don’t be in such a hurry to get “back to business,” to breakthrough, that you skip the Breaking Open part altogether. There’s much benefit to be gained here! The consequence of skipping the breaking open phase is that even though you might get on with your mostly functional life… you remain contracted and closed.

Every breakdown comes with gifts, and it’s in the breaking open phase that these gifts are received.

The move from breaking open to breakthrough is generally quite natural and doesn’t usually require effort. You may not even really notice it. But the move from breakdown to breaking open can be more difficult and profound, especially if you’re accustomed to resisting it.

Here’s my tip: Use breath and posture.

Remember, breakdown is Contracted and Shallow, breaking open is Expansive and Deep. With your body, move from a contracted or collapsed posture into one that is expansive. Begin taking deeper, conscious breaths. Bring your head up. Expand your chest. Open your palms in offering and receptivity to the world. You’re not trying to change your emotions or thoughts, just provide a different container for them. In fact, repressed feelings may intensify. So feel them, and stay open. This is what growth feels like.

Now bring this to your relationship.

(note: Eckhart Tolle points out in “A New Earth” that a literal translation of “sin” is “to miss the mark.”)

1. Treating her like a buddy

If her pants are getting tight, don’t tease her. Don’t compete with her, or make her compete with you. Don’t bring up stupid things she’s done when you’re out with friends. Don’t even challenge her or hold her accountable the way you would a friend. She’s not a buddy. She’s a radiant goddess, a queen, the divine feminine manifest. Treat her accordingly.

2. Criticizing

She knows when she screws up. The last thing on earth she needs is your criticism. Ever.

3. Retreating too far into the relationship

You have a purpose in the world. You have friends, work, hobbies, goals, and perhaps a spiritual practice. Take refuge in your relationship as it serves you, but keep your direction too. Ultimately this will serve the relationship more than losing yourself in it.

4. Asking friends and family for advice

This is something she’s more likely to do, but guys do it too. Don’t. Friends and family are well-meaning but are generally part of the system. They lack objectivity and sometimes sense. Support and camaraderie don’t have to descend into advice and opinion slinging, though they often do. Educate your friends and family about what’s actually in service to you and your relationship and if they still don’t get it, steer the conversation elsewhere.

5. Not getting help when you need it

That said, sometimes you need help. Help can look like a million different things, so choose what feels right to you. There are coaches, counsellors, pastors, yogis, energy workers, workshops, groups and more. Go to someone who is skilled, without bias, and committed to being truly in service.

6. Keeping one foot out the door

Ooh this one’s nasty. Most women can sense this even when you don’t even know you’re doing it! If she can’t trust you, you’re sunk.

7. Assuming your relationship will take care of itself

If you’re like lots of guys, you have a to-do list. Put your relationship somewhere near the top. This DOESN’T mean creating a relationship make-work project. It means honouring each other enough to make time for connection, intimacy, sex, recreation, fun, dinner, dates, checking-in, celebration and generally enjoying each other!

None of my relationships with girlfriends ended particularly well. I seemed to be cursed with issues that ran deep. After my divorce at age 32 broke me wide open, I was ready for a change.

My subsequent relationship journey offered me an extremely unwelcome year of sexual abstinence, and then a fiery affair that quickly turned into a full-on relationship and possibly the hottest hell yet. I hit rock bottom, relationally speaking. Misery, confusion, endless arguing… breaking up, then make-up sex in the same night… often. Broken furniture even!

Somehow we stuck through it. We did a couples workshop weekend. It’s hard to say if it really helped. We almost didn’t go back Sunday because so much shit got stirred up Saturday. We saw a counsellor a couple of times. I didn’t care for her much. Kim went back and the counsellor basically told her to leave me. She didn’t.

Obviously I’m not a bad guy, but it’s true I had relationship issues. All of my work and training as a coach and Hakomi therapist was against a relationship backdrop of drama, uncertainty and conflict. Except… there was a big shift at a certain point. A crack in the wall of dysfunction. What happened?

Well, we’d worked through a lot, found our way through somehow. We loved each other, that’s certain. And all the training I’d done had a serious effect on my own healing, self-discovery and personal growth. These were all contributing factors, but there was also a specific event that really catapulted the relationship (and my life) forward.

An outgoing and successful Coach was a participant in one of my training weekends and he invited me to an evening event that he hosted. Something about relationships - it was pretty vague. I went, and it changed my life. Well, not right away, but it planted the seed.

I got an introduction to a model of relationship called “Gender Synergy.”

Something really hit home and I started trying out the model with Kim. I didn’t tell her anything about it at first, I just did it. The results were immediate and remarkable.

Six months later I hired this coach, Jean-Pierre Leblanc, to mentor me and I immersed myself in the Gender Synergy model. I drank it up. He introduced me to David Deida’s books, especially “The Way of the Superior Man.” It was like coming home. I was a changed man.

Now I’m experiencing joy, satisfaction and a deep sense of accomplishment in my relationship that I never imagined possible. And there’s no compromise, no payoff. I get to be me, and Kim appreciates and respects me for who I am, because I’ve become someone better than who I was.

Gender Synergy has become a foundation of my work. It’s penetrated my whole life and improved me radically. That’s my wish for you too. That’s the hope. And I know it’s possible. As someone who’s chosen a career helping people change, I’m especially passionate about the transformative power of relationships. If you’re ready to step up and take responsibility for turning your relationship around or moving it forward in a big way, this site is for you.

Be the Change you Want.

Your Ally,

Coach Justice

The Invitation: A single 90 minute teleclass could be the first step to saving your relationship and putting you on the path to relationship mastery forever. And it’s free. Sign up on the top left corner of this page now, and receive times and dates by e-mail.