Some important things in life are so obvious that they’re often ignored. Much relationship friction (and not the kind you like) can be attributed to these four basic infractions:

1. Lack of Sleep
Since I’ve had kids I’ve seen first hand the human need for rest, both from my own experience of sleep deprivation, and from observing the little munchkins. When little kids get tired they snap. They turn into demons. Adults do too, we just don’t have someone to make us go to bed.

How many times have you been up late into the night arguing passionately about something that seems totally inconsequential in the morning? Or is it just me…

2. Lack of Exercise
Exercise is a natural mood elevator. It also enhances sexual performance. So Just Do It.

3. Stress
We assume that we have to live with high levels of stress and anxiety. We don’t. You have choices. There are TONS of de-stressing techniques and lifestyle changes to explore. One really important thing to notice is how caffeine affects your RQ (That’s Relationship Intelligence). Coffee is so pervasive in our Starbucks culture, we forget how powerful a drug it is. I had to stop drinking coffee because it basically turned me into an asshole. I can squeak by on tea.

4. Poor Eating Habits 
Eating well stabilizes blood sugar and makes you more resilient to relationship stress and challenges. The mealtime ritual can also be a good time for connecting with your sweetheart. I have a lot to say about eating and nutrition but since this is a relationship blog I won’t digress.

So before you start griping on your relationship, or even start couples counselling or coaching, be honest about how well you’re taking care of yourself right now. Sometimes the answer isn’t complicated, it’s right under your nose, and it’s just just a matter of committing. Of course we all WANT to get enough sleep. We WANT to exercise, to reduce our stress levels and to eat well. So now you have even more incentive. 

What’s that you say? It’s hard to stay accountable to yourself? I know someone who specializes in that sort of thing…

I learned the power of acknowledgement in my training and experience as a coach. Acknowledgement feeds people. A well-placed and heartfelt acknowledgement can get through the toughest armour. It can even melt frozen hearts. And it’s free, doesn’t cost you a thing. No matter where you’re at in your relationship, you have endless opportunities to acknowledge a positive quality in your woman. Please start acting on these opportunities today!

I want to clarify - Acknowledgement is different from Praise. Acknowledgement directly names the core qualities that you see in someone. It speaks to a person’s BE-ing. Praise tends to be more about a person’s DO-ing.

ie: 
“You are wise,” is an acknowledgement. 
“You made a really wise choice,” is praise.

Both are valuable. Praise might be easier to give, but acknowledgement can be so much more powerful. If giving acknowledgements is challenging for you, know that it gets easier with practice. And know this - the more that you acknowledge the qualities that you appreciate in your woman, the more they grow. 

So here are the 5 ingredients for success:

1. Authenticity. 
Your heart must be in it. If you’re not feeling it, don’t say it - it’ll sound lame. (This doesn’t mean it has to be ALL you’re feeling). Get in touch with the TRUTH of your acknowledgement before you deliver it. Never fake it. This isn’t about sucking up or trying to guess what she wants to hear. It’s about cutting through your own noise and bullshit, seeing something amazing or beautiful in the woman that you’re with, and naming it, with courage if that’s what it takes.

2. Brevity. 
Keep it short and sweet. The best acknowledgements are generally three to five words: “You are —.” Say it, then wait. Don’t fill the gap! Let her digest it. Keep eye contact. Feel into the energy of the moment. 

3. Healthy Detachment.
She may blow it off. She may melt. Mean it, say it  - then immediately let go of the outcome. Saying these words is as much for your benefit as hearing them is for hers.

4. Timing.
Life is full of poignant and powerful moments. Use them. An acknowledgement delivered after the fact loses its impact. Its power is in the now.

5. Focus.
Make it about Her. Powerful acknowledgements honour the person being acknowledged. Stick to the “You are —” format. ”You are a good mom” is a lot different than “I think you’re a good mom.”

Here are some sample acknowledgements:
“You are beautiful.”
“You are wise.”
“You are very loving.”
“You’re smart.”
“You’re really fun.”
“You’re radiant.”
“You’re resourceful.”
“You are inspiring.”
“You are strong.”

(note: Eckhart Tolle points out in “A New Earth” that a literal translation of “sin” is “to miss the mark.”)

1. Treating her like a buddy

If her pants are getting tight, don’t tease her. Don’t compete with her, or make her compete with you. Don’t bring up stupid things she’s done when you’re out with friends. Don’t even challenge her or hold her accountable the way you would a friend. She’s not a buddy. She’s a radiant goddess, a queen, the divine feminine manifest. Treat her accordingly.

2. Criticizing

She knows when she screws up. The last thing on earth she needs is your criticism. Ever.

3. Retreating too far into the relationship

You have a purpose in the world. You have friends, work, hobbies, goals, and perhaps a spiritual practice. Take refuge in your relationship as it serves you, but keep your direction too. Ultimately this will serve the relationship more than losing yourself in it.

4. Asking friends and family for advice

This is something she’s more likely to do, but guys do it too. Don’t. Friends and family are well-meaning but are generally part of the system. They lack objectivity and sometimes sense. Support and camaraderie don’t have to descend into advice and opinion slinging, though they often do. Educate your friends and family about what’s actually in service to you and your relationship and if they still don’t get it, steer the conversation elsewhere.

5. Not getting help when you need it

That said, sometimes you need help. Help can look like a million different things, so choose what feels right to you. There are coaches, counsellors, pastors, yogis, energy workers, workshops, groups and more. Go to someone who is skilled, without bias, and committed to being truly in service.

6. Keeping one foot out the door

Ooh this one’s nasty. Most women can sense this even when you don’t even know you’re doing it! If she can’t trust you, you’re sunk.

7. Assuming your relationship will take care of itself

If you’re like lots of guys, you have a to-do list. Put your relationship somewhere near the top. This DOESN’T mean creating a relationship make-work project. It means honouring each other enough to make time for connection, intimacy, sex, recreation, fun, dinner, dates, checking-in, celebration and generally enjoying each other!