Jean-Pierre LeBlanc is the author of The One Minute Goddess, and is the man who originally introduced me to Gender Synergy and really helped me get it in my bones through his coaching and mentoring, as well as through the Goddess evenings and Life Bliss retreats. 

Jean-Pierre and I have reconnected quite powerfully recently, and I’m looking forward to personally attending some of the upcoming Co-Ed Goddess evenings and quite likely the Vancouver Life Bliss retreat.

I participated in the Life Bliss retreat in November 2007, and it was fabulous. Awesome Gender Synergy exercises, Enneagram personality typing, Yoga in the mornings… lots of learning in a very fun, supportive and celebratory environment with great food and great people. Highly recommended.

The Goddess evenings are a fun, easy way to learn about Gender Synergy principles and start applying them in your life. They’re free (a donation for Water for Africa is requested), well attended and potentially transformative. 

Here are dates for some of his upcoming events. Hope to connect with you at some of them!

Upcoming Goddess evenings:
September 8 (Bellingham, WA)
September 9 (Vancouver, BC)

Upcoming Life Bliss Retreats:
September 12-14 (Toronto)
September 19-21 (Vancouver)
October 3-5 (California)
 

For full details and registration visit: The Alchemy Network

Cultivating True Success in Life, Work and Relationships

As human beings with a masculine core, men have special gifts to offer the world. Unfortunately, there is generally little support for men to develop to their truest potential. Many men have unknowingly twisted or disowned their true masculine nature in order to survive in confusing times. 

The Masculine Path uncovers these inherent gifts and cultivates the positive masculine qualities in each of us so that we can take greater Leadership in our lives, relationships, organizations and beyond. This men’s group provides challenge, encouragement and accountability on our individual paths of masculine integrity and excellence.

The group is facilitated by Professional Coach, Relationship Mentor and Certified Hakomi Therapist, Justice Schanfarber. This group is not therapy. It is based on principles of Gender Synergy, personal responsibility and developing an integrated, masculine-centred approach to Life, Work and Relationship Success.

The Masculine Path is for Men who:

•  Have a Masculine Core (regardless of sexual orientation)
•  Are willing to develop a deep Honesty with themselves and others
•  Have Goals, Vision or Longing for a Truly Meaningful, Healthy and Successful Life
•  Are ready to improve their Relationships, Marriage and Family Life 
•  Enjoy being Challenged and held Accountable by Conscious, Trustworthy Men
•  Will commit to showing up Real and pushing their Edge
•  Value Integrity and Personal Response-Ability
•  Want to discover their true Masculine Gifts and become a better Man - Husband/Lover/Father/Friend

Because we meet by telephone, this group is accessible to men everywhere.

NEW GROUP STARTS MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2008! (New Groups starting regularly.)

To Learn More: The Masculine Path

Kim and I tied the knot on Saturday, August 16. It was an amazing, unforgettable (and very hot!) day. We are eternally grateful for all the love and support we received from the fifty-some friends and family that graced us with their presence. 

We have been together for over four years, have had lots of ups and downs, and have a lovely two year old daughter together. Our marriage celebration has tangibly deepened our sense of connection, commitment and joy.

Many of our guests were touched by our vows and more than one asked me to make them available for future reference, so I’ve posted them here.

If you’re a regular visitor to this site, or a client or colleague, see if you can recognize the Gender Synergy elements…

My Vows:

Kim Marshall, I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have you as my wife. 

I promise to support you in every way that I know.

I love your ease of joy and your open, loving heart. 

I take it as my mission to give you reason and opportunity to continue opening and softening in all our years to come. 

I value you as my inspiration and my teacher. 

I vow to continue cultivating skill, trustworthiness, integrity and strength throughout our life together - in service to you, our family and the world.

I vow to be true, present and steady, and to bring humour, generosity and depth to our marriage.

I promise these things knowing full well that I will be both challenged and rewarded, and I’m  grateful for all of it.

Kim’s Vows:

Justice, I often think back to that weak-knee moment when we hugged, and I knew you were the man for me.

Surrendering to that knowing, in the face of adversity, is what brought me here today, to this joyous occasion.

I vow to continue surrendering into the wisdom of my heart, and into your embrace.

I trust in the goodness of our union, and vow to nourish and care for myself, that I might always inspire your heart and light up your life for all the years to come.

I vow to open in love more each day, and to nurture ease, happiness and well-being in our home and marriage.

I vow to let go of what does not serve me, and to move always toward joy.

I vow to welcome your gifts without reservation and to enjoy all the fruits of our togetherness in gratitude, love and even occasional reckless abandon.

I promise you the world within me.

The quality of your gaze, your touch, your tone of voice - these little things contain powerful messages that shape your relationship, consciously or not. Slow down and pay attention to the subtleties of your life together. It’s the undercurrents, the little things, that contain the big things, not just the other way around. 

The masculine is concerned with big things, with boldness and grand gestures. There’s nothing wrong with this - it is as it should be - but know, the feminine picks up on the little things and turns them into big things. A masterful man sees the big reflected in the small and acts accordingly.

When I was going through a rough time six years ago, a wise friend gave me a piece of advice that stuck with me. Just like most wisdom, it resonates simplicity.

His advice was… Help Others.

These words landed on fertile ground and blossomed into the work I do today. And what I’ve discovered is that this kind of helping others also helps myself. Isn’t it amazing how that works?

When I coach, teach, mentor and love others, I too get the wonderful benefits.

When I learned the simple secrets of Gender Synergy, not only was I transformed, but so was my lover, my clients and so on. As the sign says at my Yoga studio, “When we change ourselves we change the world.”

Change the world tonight.

Join me for the free teleclass GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships at 7pm tonight (August 6th, 2008).

Sign up at the top of this page to receive dial-in instructions. It’s free and without obligation.

Learn More:

Gender Synergy

Integral Relationship, Gender Synergy, and the New Manhood

The Power of Sexual Polarity

What Men are saying about Gender Synergy:

“I’ve learned the value of being totally present with the woman I’m with. I’m able to communicate directly despite any fear or misgivings, and I’ve let go of attachment to how my expressions are recieved. I feel like I’m being true to myself and to her, and creating a space where love can truly flourish. The results have been amazing.” ~ Tomas Hicks, Vancouver BC

The gender synergy information was truly enlightening for me. It’s astounding - learning and applying new models of behaviour. Thanks for being a positive force in my life!” ~ Kevin Beesley-Hammond, Co-owner Mint Records

(Note: I was introduced to Ken Wilber’s work nearly a decade ago and have been playing with applying his language to the Gender Synergy model of relationship since I first started working with GS over a year ago. Presenting Gender Synergy in Wilber’s Integral terminology frames it in yet another way, hopefully recognizable and digestible to people familiar with his work. It’s been fun, illuminating and very useful to hold these models together.)

The language of Integral Theory fits my vision of new manhood and Gender Synergy relationships nicely. Here’s an introduction in Integral terms:

Most of us have a reasonably accurate understanding of the differences between masculine qualities and feminine qualities. At this time in our culture, ignoring or challenging these differences is common. Ignoring them is rather futile, it’s like pretending that there is no hot or cold, no sweet or salty. Challenging them is a healthy part of our evolution, but must eventually give way to something else.

Ken Wilber, pioneer of Integral Theory, uses the phrase “transcend and include” when he talks about how individual or group consciousness evolves. This phrase is meant to explain how a healthy evolutionary process doesn’t just jump from one absolute truth to another, but builds upon the best of previous knowledge and experience without becoming so tied to all of it that upward movement is arrested. 

Let’s apply this to the evolution of intimate relationships between men and women.

First, we must understand that all of us, men and women, contain and express BOTH masculine and feminine qualities. In other words, we all run both masculine and feminine energies, by varying degrees (It’s also worth noting that these energies can both run “light” to “dark,” but we’ll save that piece for another time).

Traditionally, men have run predominantly masculine energy, while women have run predominantly feminine. This was largely unconscious and a product of the times. Certainly biology, social construct, environment and so on all played a roll.

More recently, times have changed. Circumstances and consciousness have changed. Women have largely led the change, rising into their power and embodying more of their masculine energy. Simultaneously, men have been quietly discovering their feelings and embodying more feminine energy. This has been an important step, but the common error of our time is to assume that we have finished here, that by becoming “50/50″ or even reversing our gender poles, we have finally achieved balance, or equality. 

Ah yes, equality.

This relatively recent move toward social, economic and political equality between the sexes has been absolutely necessary. But, an equality that does not recognize the inherent QUALITATIVE differences between masculine and feminine throws the baby out with the bath-water.

A “transcend and include” approach to gender equality is for men today to INTEGRATE the feminine qualities they’ve discovered in themselves, to draw freely on them when this will be in service, but to CHOOSE generally to honour and lean into their masculine core, especially in relationship to their woman. For women, integrating their masculine qualities, drawing on them when appropriate, and CHOOSING to generally relax into their feminine core is the possibility. (Yes, there are gay and bi-sexual applications too, but it’s more than I want to get into on this short post.)

Some people fear a return to “pre-equality” when I talk about this, and it is crucial to understand the difference between (and here again I borrow a theme from Wilber) “pre-equality” and “trans-equality.” In the the pre-equality stage, there is no conscious choice. Men and women are locked into roles. In the trans-equality stage, women have discovered and integrated their masculine qualities, men have discovered and integrated their feminine qualities, and both CHOOSE to mostly inhabit their authentic core gender energies, KNOWING THAT THEY CAN DRAW ON BOTH MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGIES WHEN THEY CHOOSE. This creates a healthy sexual polarity or charge between men and women (Gender Synergy) that is largely missing today.

Find out how to put these principles to work in your relationship and life. Join me on my free 90 minute teleseminar GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships. Sign up at the top of this page. ***IMPORTANT: The next teleseminar is only a few days away, so please sign up now to receive dial-in instructions! There is no charge and absolutely no obligation.

I received a promo blurb on this in my inbox recently along with an intriguing excerpt. I’ve read What is Enlightenment magazine occasionally over the years, and this issue obviously grabbed my attention. So much so, that I was compelled to try a subscription. I’m really looking forward to receiving this most current issue in the next few weeks and you can expect to see a review or excerpt in an upcoming post.

The excerpt that I received was “Gender Equality Gone Awry (click to read).” 

Oh, you’ll want to read this short manifesto from WIE editor Andrew Cohen as well: “A Call To Arms For The Postmodern Male”

Here’s what the publisher says:
Constructing the New Man
Perspectives on Masculinity in the 21st Century

Continuing the inquiry that began with last summer’s widely discussed issue on women,WIE presents an in-depth look at the twenty-first-century man. What is authentic masculinity today? How has the move toward gender equality changed society’s rules—and roles—for men? Is there a “new man” emerging on the horizon, ready and willing to reshape our culture in the coming decades? Approaching these questions and others through a multidimensional lens, WIE delivers one of our most culturally provocative issues yet. Featuring: Ken Wilber, Andrew Cohen, Ani DiFranco, Harvey Mansfield, Jean Houston, Jenny Wade, Erwin McManus, Rebecca Walker, and more.

Anybody read it yet? Comments? Looks Juicy!

You have a unique opportunity as the primary man in your woman’s life.

She has doubtlessly had negative and painful experiences in relationship to men. For some women these experiences have been mild, for some they have been extreme. Maybe daddy or other adult males ignored her, shouted at her or molested her when she was a young girl. Maybe she had a terrible experience with a boyfriend, uncle or stranger. 

The point is, you can be nearly certain that she is holding some past hurt from a man and that this hurt is leaking into her relationship with you.

Is this your fault? Of course not. Can you do something about it? Absolutely. And when you do - she will benefit, you will benefit and the relationship will prosper. 

So what to do?

1. What you’re (hopefully) already doing.
At the most basic level, simply do your best at what you already know is important. (If you don’t know what is important, read the books in my sidebar and attend my Gender Synergy 101 teleclass!) Listen. Be Patient, Solid and Trustworthy. Know your Heart. Keep working towards being the man you truly want to be. (Again, if you don’t know what this means - find out now! Stop reading, pick up the phone and call me. It’s important.) 

2. Look For Her Missing Experiences.
At the next level, you can get more strategic. What are the missing experiences in her life involving men? What need was never met? Is it having a man listen to her without trying to fix her? Is it having a man keep his word and be accountable? Is it having a man be totally present while she freaks out? Is it feeling safe in her sensuality? Not sure? Listen for clues. Next time she shuts down or accuses “You always…” or “You never…” chances are THAT’S her missing experience. It may or may not actually be true in THIS case, but that’s not the point. This isn’t about YOU right now, it’s about the little girl who didn’t get what she needed. See if you can recognize what her missing experiences are, then provide them lovingly and without fanfare. 

3. Provide Missing Experiences Together.
At the third level you actually strategize together, naming missing experiences and then providing them to each other. This requires a fair bit of trust, willingness and sophistication. A professional third party (generally coach or therapist - I offer this service) can be a valuable facilitator for this process. You may want to check out the Imago Theory of Relationship developed by Harville Hendrix and popularized in his book “Getting the Love You Want.” I’ve worked with this book personally and found it valuable (although like many relationship self-help books it would benefit enormously from an understanding of Gender Synergy principles!). 

This healing approach to relationship provides many benefits:

• When you ask yourself “Hmmm, what’s her missing experience here?” you automatically step back from a volatile situation and get some perspective, making yourself less likely to get “hooked” and throw gas on the fire. It gives you a framework that lets you take conflict less personally.
• She gets met from you in a whole new way and sees you with new eyes.
• Entrenched relationship systems get infused with a new kind of energy.
• Your relationship takes a bigger form and gains a new sense of meaning and mission (Oh, we’re here to heal each other…).

By making an intention to help your woman heal, through her relationship with you, you also give yourself an opportunity to cultivate the positive masculine traits that will drive your own success and healing in every aspect of your life. Consider this, for many guys, it is the sense of mission, of rising to the challenge, of succeeding in the face of adversity, of truly serving… that is the masculine missing experience. 

Pitfalls… beware:

• You are not your partner’s therapist! Don’t get clinical or analytical with her. She’ll probably hate it. Show up authentically as her lover.
• You are not responsible for her actions. 
• Not everyone is ready to jump into this kind of work. Approach it gently and compassionately. Like Gender Synergy, the benefits of this approach can be enjoyed with or without your woman’s conscious participation.  
• She’ll probably test you. She’ll wonder, “Is this for real?” Maybe she’ll turn up the heat and see if you crumble. At level 3 you might name this. Whatever else you do, get support from outside the relationship - your conscious buddies, men’s group, coach, counsellor or therapist: this is critical!

    What’s better: 

    The Majestic Mountain Peak or the Lush Valley?
         Hot or Cold?
              Hard or Soft?
                   Wet or Dry?

Without one, would the other even exist? 

We live in a world of apparent opposites, of polarity. Our planet’s rotation and very existence depends on the magnetic poles of North and South. You could say that polarity is a kind of universal law. When it comes to human sexuality we are wise to remember this. 

The women’s equality movement and modern liberalism in general has brought many benefits. Men and women are now positioned to move forward with the understanding that we are QUANTITATIVE equals, that is, neither is inherently superior or inferior to the other. However, if we ignore our QUALITATIVE differences, our relationships will continue to suffer. 

It is the polarity between masculine and feminine that provides the attraction, the magnetic pull and even the drive for evolutionary and spiritual growth.

Try to flatten the mountains and fill in the valleys, and you’ll create a “flatland” relationship. Do away with hot and cold and you get eternal lukewarm. Yuck.

Wouldn’t you rather learn to bring the power that makes the world go ’round into your intimate relationship?

Find out how:

Sign up for my free teleclass GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships at the top of this page and join the hundreds and thousands of other men, women and couples who have discovered the secret to relationship success.

She is your equal, but she is different from you. Are you blindly trying to make her the same? Do you really want yourself for a lover?

Maybe she makes less money than you and feels badly about not contributing enough. Do you subtly re-enforce this? How generous do you allow yourself to be? What she has the potential to give you through her sheer feminine brilliance is far more valuable than cash. Do you encourage this brilliance through your actions and attitude, or are you stuck in “equality issues?” 

Maybe she makes MORE than you, doing work she loves, and you resent this. Can you let go of this love-killing fixation and take inspiration and nourishment from her? 

You probably pride yourself on certain qualities. 

Maybe you always put the CD back in its case. Maybe you’re always on time, or can account for every penny you spend.

Good for you, but don’t expect the same of her. When you reduce your relationship to navigating domestic life with maximum efficiency you kill love. Don’t nag her for leaving the CD out of its case, just put it away. And not with resentment, but with gratitude. Make it an act of celebration for the fact that she has been born, grown to adulthood and is now here, helping you feel something.

It is precisely her qualities that challenge you that are right now making you a better man. Wake up to this and start making your differences work for you.