What is your relationship keeping you from doing? 
Writing that book? 
Visiting that friend? 
Taking that class?

What is your relationship keeping you from being? 
Happy? 
Generous? 
Successful?

Guess what? It’s time to stop making excuses. DO and BE the things you’ve been putting off because of your relationship.

In fact, DO and BE these things NOW, despite whatever relationship excuse you’ve been making and your relationship WILL RESPOND. That’s right my man, you’ve been putting the cart before the horse. Get it turned around… and get going. You’ve got big stuff to do and be.

Start now.

(Hint: You can replace “relationship” with “job” “kids” etc)

There’s something inspiring about her. Maybe it’s a big thing, maybe it’s small. 

There’s a moment that she does or says something, or a way she moves. Let go of your criticism for just a few minutes. What’s divine about your woman? What stirs you?

Now choose to celebrate that. Celebrate it with a few deep, conscious breaths right now on your own. Celebrate it with a gift to her. You don’t have to tell her what you’re celebrating, but tell yourself.

If you’re not used to celebration, you might wonder what exactly I mean. Consider this equation: CELEBRATION = APPRECIATION + ACTION.

CELEBRATION IS APPRECIATION IN ACTION.

My coach Jean-Pierre LeBlanc turned me on to this simple and powerful realization during a group call. I understood the power of appreciation, but conscious celebration was less familiar. Now it has become second nature (thank you Jean-Pierre)! 

It’s easy to get hooked into fixating on all the problems in your relationship, the things you don’t like. This can become habitual, until subconsciously you believe that there are only problems to be fixed, only deficits.

You’re familiar with the law of attraction? What you focus your attention on expands. What you appreciate… appreciates. 

Well, CELEBRATION is like APPRECIATION to the power of ten because it includes ACTION. And because you are a human being with a masculine core, action is a potent synergist for whatever you find inspiring in Her.

Here it is in four easy steps:

1. Identify something (anything!) in your woman that you like, that you want more of.
2. Find a conscious, tangible way to celebrate it, alone or with her (or even with others…).
3. Watch it grow!
4. Repeat.

Imagine this - All of your life being a celebration… your appreciation in action. No more re-acting against, or numbing out. Pure celebration. What would your life be like? What would the world be like?

It’s possible. Start where you are. Start today. 

Here’s a CHALLENGE, and an opportunity to MAKE IT REAL and MAKE IT STRONGER: Share your celebration with our readers. Tell us WHAT you choose to celebrate in your woman, HOW you will celebrate it, and WHEN. Or share your stories of past celebration and the effect it had.

My hope is to see hundreds of men step up to this challenge and encourage other men with their ideas and stories of actively, consciously, celebrating their women. Please share.

At the root of any authentic spiritual practice is the cultivation of awareness beyond ego.

Your intimate or romantic relationship has much to offer in this regard. In fact, I suggest that this is one of the primary functions or opportunities that relationships offer.

Generally we enter relationships with the unconscious desire to feed or strengthen our egos, which is useful and appropriate at a certain stage of development. Over time however, The Universe/God/Goddess/Dharma/Awakening Consciousness usually has other plans for us!

The conflict, pain and disappointment that many of us experience in relationship has the potential to break us open in healthy surrender to a deeper aspect of our true selves. 

Once you open to this realization, your relationship landscape will change drastically, with possibilities showing up where bleak hopelessness once reigned. 

A very nifty tool for busy people who want to cultivate deeper awareness in their life and relationship is Spirituality & Practice, a unique online service that offers very digestible email study courses based on the work of leading spiritual teachers, both living and dead.

When I was going through a rough time six years ago, a wise friend gave me a piece of advice that stuck with me. Just like most wisdom, it resonates simplicity.

His advice was… Help Others.

These words landed on fertile ground and blossomed into the work I do today. And what I’ve discovered is that this kind of helping others also helps myself. Isn’t it amazing how that works?

When I coach, teach, mentor and love others, I too get the wonderful benefits.

When I learned the simple secrets of Gender Synergy, not only was I transformed, but so was my lover, my clients and so on. As the sign says at my Yoga studio, “When we change ourselves we change the world.”

Change the world tonight.

Join me for the free teleclass GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships at 7pm tonight (August 6th, 2008).

Sign up at the top of this page to receive dial-in instructions. It’s free and without obligation.

Learn More:

Gender Synergy

Integral Relationship, Gender Synergy, and the New Manhood

The Power of Sexual Polarity

What Men are saying about Gender Synergy:

“I’ve learned the value of being totally present with the woman I’m with. I’m able to communicate directly despite any fear or misgivings, and I’ve let go of attachment to how my expressions are recieved. I feel like I’m being true to myself and to her, and creating a space where love can truly flourish. The results have been amazing.” ~ Tomas Hicks, Vancouver BC

The gender synergy information was truly enlightening for me. It’s astounding - learning and applying new models of behaviour. Thanks for being a positive force in my life!” ~ Kevin Beesley-Hammond, Co-owner Mint Records

You have a unique opportunity as the primary man in your woman’s life.

She has doubtlessly had negative and painful experiences in relationship to men. For some women these experiences have been mild, for some they have been extreme. Maybe daddy or other adult males ignored her, shouted at her or molested her when she was a young girl. Maybe she had a terrible experience with a boyfriend, uncle or stranger. 

The point is, you can be nearly certain that she is holding some past hurt from a man and that this hurt is leaking into her relationship with you.

Is this your fault? Of course not. Can you do something about it? Absolutely. And when you do - she will benefit, you will benefit and the relationship will prosper. 

So what to do?

1. What you’re (hopefully) already doing.
At the most basic level, simply do your best at what you already know is important. (If you don’t know what is important, read the books in my sidebar and attend my Gender Synergy 101 teleclass!) Listen. Be Patient, Solid and Trustworthy. Know your Heart. Keep working towards being the man you truly want to be. (Again, if you don’t know what this means - find out now! Stop reading, pick up the phone and call me. It’s important.) 

2. Look For Her Missing Experiences.
At the next level, you can get more strategic. What are the missing experiences in her life involving men? What need was never met? Is it having a man listen to her without trying to fix her? Is it having a man keep his word and be accountable? Is it having a man be totally present while she freaks out? Is it feeling safe in her sensuality? Not sure? Listen for clues. Next time she shuts down or accuses “You always…” or “You never…” chances are THAT’S her missing experience. It may or may not actually be true in THIS case, but that’s not the point. This isn’t about YOU right now, it’s about the little girl who didn’t get what she needed. See if you can recognize what her missing experiences are, then provide them lovingly and without fanfare. 

3. Provide Missing Experiences Together.
At the third level you actually strategize together, naming missing experiences and then providing them to each other. This requires a fair bit of trust, willingness and sophistication. A professional third party (generally coach or therapist - I offer this service) can be a valuable facilitator for this process. You may want to check out the Imago Theory of Relationship developed by Harville Hendrix and popularized in his book “Getting the Love You Want.” I’ve worked with this book personally and found it valuable (although like many relationship self-help books it would benefit enormously from an understanding of Gender Synergy principles!). 

This healing approach to relationship provides many benefits:

• When you ask yourself “Hmmm, what’s her missing experience here?” you automatically step back from a volatile situation and get some perspective, making yourself less likely to get “hooked” and throw gas on the fire. It gives you a framework that lets you take conflict less personally.
• She gets met from you in a whole new way and sees you with new eyes.
• Entrenched relationship systems get infused with a new kind of energy.
• Your relationship takes a bigger form and gains a new sense of meaning and mission (Oh, we’re here to heal each other…).

By making an intention to help your woman heal, through her relationship with you, you also give yourself an opportunity to cultivate the positive masculine traits that will drive your own success and healing in every aspect of your life. Consider this, for many guys, it is the sense of mission, of rising to the challenge, of succeeding in the face of adversity, of truly serving… that is the masculine missing experience. 

Pitfalls… beware:

• You are not your partner’s therapist! Don’t get clinical or analytical with her. She’ll probably hate it. Show up authentically as her lover.
• You are not responsible for her actions. 
• Not everyone is ready to jump into this kind of work. Approach it gently and compassionately. Like Gender Synergy, the benefits of this approach can be enjoyed with or without your woman’s conscious participation.  
• She’ll probably test you. She’ll wonder, “Is this for real?” Maybe she’ll turn up the heat and see if you crumble. At level 3 you might name this. Whatever else you do, get support from outside the relationship - your conscious buddies, men’s group, coach, counsellor or therapist: this is critical!

I learned the power of acknowledgement in my training and experience as a coach. Acknowledgement feeds people. A well-placed and heartfelt acknowledgement can get through the toughest armour. It can even melt frozen hearts. And it’s free, doesn’t cost you a thing. No matter where you’re at in your relationship, you have endless opportunities to acknowledge a positive quality in your woman. Please start acting on these opportunities today!

I want to clarify - Acknowledgement is different from Praise. Acknowledgement directly names the core qualities that you see in someone. It speaks to a person’s BE-ing. Praise tends to be more about a person’s DO-ing.

ie: 
“You are wise,” is an acknowledgement. 
“You made a really wise choice,” is praise.

Both are valuable. Praise might be easier to give, but acknowledgement can be so much more powerful. If giving acknowledgements is challenging for you, know that it gets easier with practice. And know this - the more that you acknowledge the qualities that you appreciate in your woman, the more they grow. 

So here are the 5 ingredients for success:

1. Authenticity. 
Your heart must be in it. If you’re not feeling it, don’t say it - it’ll sound lame. (This doesn’t mean it has to be ALL you’re feeling). Get in touch with the TRUTH of your acknowledgement before you deliver it. Never fake it. This isn’t about sucking up or trying to guess what she wants to hear. It’s about cutting through your own noise and bullshit, seeing something amazing or beautiful in the woman that you’re with, and naming it, with courage if that’s what it takes.

2. Brevity. 
Keep it short and sweet. The best acknowledgements are generally three to five words: “You are —.” Say it, then wait. Don’t fill the gap! Let her digest it. Keep eye contact. Feel into the energy of the moment. 

3. Healthy Detachment.
She may blow it off. She may melt. Mean it, say it  - then immediately let go of the outcome. Saying these words is as much for your benefit as hearing them is for hers.

4. Timing.
Life is full of poignant and powerful moments. Use them. An acknowledgement delivered after the fact loses its impact. Its power is in the now.

5. Focus.
Make it about Her. Powerful acknowledgements honour the person being acknowledged. Stick to the “You are —” format. ”You are a good mom” is a lot different than “I think you’re a good mom.”

Here are some sample acknowledgements:
“You are beautiful.”
“You are wise.”
“You are very loving.”
“You’re smart.”
“You’re really fun.”
“You’re radiant.”
“You’re resourceful.”
“You are inspiring.”
“You are strong.”

My fiance Kim came home this morning in a tizzy after a Saturday morning grocery shopping fiasco. I had a client meeting later in the morning and was parenting our daughter while Kim was shopping. So Kim was in a bit of a hurry to get the shopping done and get home on time. The long and short of it is that she got a $150 speeding ticket AND forgot to get her change and receipt at the grocery store.

She arrived home visibly upset and frustrated.

Now, I wasn’t thrilled at having just spent $150+ needlessly. But before I even responded to Kim, I took a few moments to slow down and check in with myself using some basic emotional intelligence skills.

I asked myself:
1. How am I feeling?
2. How is she feeling?
3. What is the outcome I want?
4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?

Sounds simple right? Actually it is, but it hasn’t always been that way for me.

Let’s break down the process:

1. How am I feeling?
I’m actually pretty unfazed by the ticket. Obviously my preference is that we don’t get tickets, but I’m feeling compassionate for Kim. I’m also immediately seeing an OPPORTUNITY to deepen Kim’s trust and respect for me. This is so critical! When our spouse makes a mistake and we respond with strength and kindness, our bond grows. It’s like putting money in our emotional bank account. In the past I might have gone to the dark side and criticized my partner, or subtly shamed her. Make no mistake, this is deadly. I might even still do this when the stakes are higher or I’m at a weak point… but mostly I’m beyond this. How did I get beyond it? Practice. Awareness. Commitment.

2. How is she feeling?
She is obviously upset.

3. What is the outcome I want?
I want her to feel totally loved and love-able, open and trusting of me, happy. I also don’t want to start racking up speeding tickets.

4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?
It’s clear that Kim is beating herself up for getting a ticket. The last thing I’m going to do is rub her nose in it. I chose to support her and consciously help her move into self-forgiveness and love as quickly as possible without rushing her or being Mr Fix-it. She is grateful for this, and I get to enjoy the energy of a grateful and loving spouse. Win-Win! I also TRUST that she has learned whatever she needs to learn from this experience and there is absolutely no benefit to de-briefing this point with her.

Imagine all the ways this could have gone sideways. All it would take is a bit of unconscious, unskilled behaviour from me and we could have gone downhill fast (believe me, entire days and weekends have gone this way in the past). But we didn’t. And for this I’m grateful.

When life falls apart, we tend to tighten and close, protecting ourselves. This tight, closed posture keeps us stuck in the breakdown phase. People can spend their whole lives here, twisting themselves to accommodate bitterness, mistrust and fear.

But when we let a breakdown break us OPEN, that’s when real change can happen. That’s when we find ourselves surrendering to the poignancy of the moment. Our hearts melt. Perhaps amidst sobs, we catch our breath and are awed by the depth of our (shared) human experience.

There’s an unmistakable shift from the breakdown phase to breaking open.

The posture of breaking down is different from breaking open. Breaking down is CONTRACTED and shallow. Breaking open is EXPANSIVE and deep. It’s lighter here, vulnerable and scary maybe, but also courageous, present and lively.

From this place, we have the opportunity to begin integrating our experience. New possibilities and insight emerge. This is BREAKTHROUGH.

I call this whole process Breaking Down… Breaking Open… Breaking through.

As your awareness of this process deepens, you might find that you can spend less time in the wholly unpleasant breakdown phase, moving quickly to breaking open, savouring the raw depth of experience here, and then moving on to integration and breakthrough.

But don’t be in such a hurry to get “back to business,” to breakthrough, that you skip the Breaking Open part altogether. There’s much benefit to be gained here! The consequence of skipping the breaking open phase is that even though you might get on with your mostly functional life… you remain contracted and closed.

Every breakdown comes with gifts, and it’s in the breaking open phase that these gifts are received.

The move from breaking open to breakthrough is generally quite natural and doesn’t usually require effort. You may not even really notice it. But the move from breakdown to breaking open can be more difficult and profound, especially if you’re accustomed to resisting it.

Here’s my tip: Use breath and posture.

Remember, breakdown is Contracted and Shallow, breaking open is Expansive and Deep. With your body, move from a contracted or collapsed posture into one that is expansive. Begin taking deeper, conscious breaths. Bring your head up. Expand your chest. Open your palms in offering and receptivity to the world. You’re not trying to change your emotions or thoughts, just provide a different container for them. In fact, repressed feelings may intensify. So feel them, and stay open. This is what growth feels like.

Now bring this to your relationship.