What is your relationship keeping you from doing? 
Writing that book? 
Visiting that friend? 
Taking that class?

What is your relationship keeping you from being? 
Happy? 
Generous? 
Successful?

Guess what? It’s time to stop making excuses. DO and BE the things you’ve been putting off because of your relationship.

In fact, DO and BE these things NOW, despite whatever relationship excuse you’ve been making and your relationship WILL RESPOND. That’s right my man, you’ve been putting the cart before the horse. Get it turned around… and get going. You’ve got big stuff to do and be.

Start now.

(Hint: You can replace “relationship” with “job” “kids” etc)

Men need heroes, and Jim MacLaren is my newest. When he says “I don’t think it’s too way out there to say maybe I was supposed to break my neck,” he brings the idea of turning challenges into opportunities to a whole new level. 

My good friend Jean-Pierre LeBlanc turned me on to this video, which is no surprise given his own passion for turning challenges into opportunities.

By the way, both Jim and a longer version of this video can be found at the Keith Ferrazi Community - an online community of professionals and entrepreneurs who are helping each other succeed through the power of generosity and authentic relationships.

Please come by and look me up!

Cultivating True Success in Life, Work and Relationships

As human beings with a masculine core, men have special gifts to offer the world. Unfortunately, there is generally little support for men to develop to their truest potential. Many men have unknowingly twisted or disowned their true masculine nature in order to survive in confusing times. 

The Masculine Path uncovers these inherent gifts and cultivates the positive masculine qualities in each of us so that we can take greater Leadership in our lives, relationships, organizations and beyond. This men’s group provides challenge, encouragement and accountability on our individual paths of masculine integrity and excellence.

The group is facilitated by Professional Coach, Relationship Mentor and Certified Hakomi Therapist, Justice Schanfarber. This group is not therapy. It is based on principles of Gender Synergy, personal responsibility and developing an integrated, masculine-centred approach to Life, Work and Relationship Success.

The Masculine Path is for Men who:

•  Have a Masculine Core (regardless of sexual orientation)
•  Are willing to develop a deep Honesty with themselves and others
•  Have Goals, Vision or Longing for a Truly Meaningful, Healthy and Successful Life
•  Are ready to improve their Relationships, Marriage and Family Life 
•  Enjoy being Challenged and held Accountable by Conscious, Trustworthy Men
•  Will commit to showing up Real and pushing their Edge
•  Value Integrity and Personal Response-Ability
•  Want to discover their true Masculine Gifts and become a better Man - Husband/Lover/Father/Friend

Because we meet by telephone, this group is accessible to men everywhere.

NEW GROUP STARTS MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2008! (New Groups starting regularly.)

To Learn More: The Masculine Path

There’s something inspiring about her. Maybe it’s a big thing, maybe it’s small. 

There’s a moment that she does or says something, or a way she moves. Let go of your criticism for just a few minutes. What’s divine about your woman? What stirs you?

Now choose to celebrate that. Celebrate it with a few deep, conscious breaths right now on your own. Celebrate it with a gift to her. You don’t have to tell her what you’re celebrating, but tell yourself.

If you’re not used to celebration, you might wonder what exactly I mean. Consider this equation: CELEBRATION = APPRECIATION + ACTION.

CELEBRATION IS APPRECIATION IN ACTION.

My coach Jean-Pierre LeBlanc turned me on to this simple and powerful realization during a group call. I understood the power of appreciation, but conscious celebration was less familiar. Now it has become second nature (thank you Jean-Pierre)! 

It’s easy to get hooked into fixating on all the problems in your relationship, the things you don’t like. This can become habitual, until subconsciously you believe that there are only problems to be fixed, only deficits.

You’re familiar with the law of attraction? What you focus your attention on expands. What you appreciate… appreciates. 

Well, CELEBRATION is like APPRECIATION to the power of ten because it includes ACTION. And because you are a human being with a masculine core, action is a potent synergist for whatever you find inspiring in Her.

Here it is in four easy steps:

1. Identify something (anything!) in your woman that you like, that you want more of.
2. Find a conscious, tangible way to celebrate it, alone or with her (or even with others…).
3. Watch it grow!
4. Repeat.

Imagine this - All of your life being a celebration… your appreciation in action. No more re-acting against, or numbing out. Pure celebration. What would your life be like? What would the world be like?

It’s possible. Start where you are. Start today. 

Here’s a CHALLENGE, and an opportunity to MAKE IT REAL and MAKE IT STRONGER: Share your celebration with our readers. Tell us WHAT you choose to celebrate in your woman, HOW you will celebrate it, and WHEN. Or share your stories of past celebration and the effect it had.

My hope is to see hundreds of men step up to this challenge and encourage other men with their ideas and stories of actively, consciously, celebrating their women. Please share.

You have a unique opportunity as the primary man in your woman’s life.

She has doubtlessly had negative and painful experiences in relationship to men. For some women these experiences have been mild, for some they have been extreme. Maybe daddy or other adult males ignored her, shouted at her or molested her when she was a young girl. Maybe she had a terrible experience with a boyfriend, uncle or stranger. 

The point is, you can be nearly certain that she is holding some past hurt from a man and that this hurt is leaking into her relationship with you.

Is this your fault? Of course not. Can you do something about it? Absolutely. And when you do - she will benefit, you will benefit and the relationship will prosper. 

So what to do?

1. What you’re (hopefully) already doing.
At the most basic level, simply do your best at what you already know is important. (If you don’t know what is important, read the books in my sidebar and attend my Gender Synergy 101 teleclass!) Listen. Be Patient, Solid and Trustworthy. Know your Heart. Keep working towards being the man you truly want to be. (Again, if you don’t know what this means - find out now! Stop reading, pick up the phone and call me. It’s important.) 

2. Look For Her Missing Experiences.
At the next level, you can get more strategic. What are the missing experiences in her life involving men? What need was never met? Is it having a man listen to her without trying to fix her? Is it having a man keep his word and be accountable? Is it having a man be totally present while she freaks out? Is it feeling safe in her sensuality? Not sure? Listen for clues. Next time she shuts down or accuses “You always…” or “You never…” chances are THAT’S her missing experience. It may or may not actually be true in THIS case, but that’s not the point. This isn’t about YOU right now, it’s about the little girl who didn’t get what she needed. See if you can recognize what her missing experiences are, then provide them lovingly and without fanfare. 

3. Provide Missing Experiences Together.
At the third level you actually strategize together, naming missing experiences and then providing them to each other. This requires a fair bit of trust, willingness and sophistication. A professional third party (generally coach or therapist - I offer this service) can be a valuable facilitator for this process. You may want to check out the Imago Theory of Relationship developed by Harville Hendrix and popularized in his book “Getting the Love You Want.” I’ve worked with this book personally and found it valuable (although like many relationship self-help books it would benefit enormously from an understanding of Gender Synergy principles!). 

This healing approach to relationship provides many benefits:

• When you ask yourself “Hmmm, what’s her missing experience here?” you automatically step back from a volatile situation and get some perspective, making yourself less likely to get “hooked” and throw gas on the fire. It gives you a framework that lets you take conflict less personally.
• She gets met from you in a whole new way and sees you with new eyes.
• Entrenched relationship systems get infused with a new kind of energy.
• Your relationship takes a bigger form and gains a new sense of meaning and mission (Oh, we’re here to heal each other…).

By making an intention to help your woman heal, through her relationship with you, you also give yourself an opportunity to cultivate the positive masculine traits that will drive your own success and healing in every aspect of your life. Consider this, for many guys, it is the sense of mission, of rising to the challenge, of succeeding in the face of adversity, of truly serving… that is the masculine missing experience. 

Pitfalls… beware:

• You are not your partner’s therapist! Don’t get clinical or analytical with her. She’ll probably hate it. Show up authentically as her lover.
• You are not responsible for her actions. 
• Not everyone is ready to jump into this kind of work. Approach it gently and compassionately. Like Gender Synergy, the benefits of this approach can be enjoyed with or without your woman’s conscious participation.  
• She’ll probably test you. She’ll wonder, “Is this for real?” Maybe she’ll turn up the heat and see if you crumble. At level 3 you might name this. Whatever else you do, get support from outside the relationship - your conscious buddies, men’s group, coach, counsellor or therapist: this is critical!

My fiance Kim came home this morning in a tizzy after a Saturday morning grocery shopping fiasco. I had a client meeting later in the morning and was parenting our daughter while Kim was shopping. So Kim was in a bit of a hurry to get the shopping done and get home on time. The long and short of it is that she got a $150 speeding ticket AND forgot to get her change and receipt at the grocery store.

She arrived home visibly upset and frustrated.

Now, I wasn’t thrilled at having just spent $150+ needlessly. But before I even responded to Kim, I took a few moments to slow down and check in with myself using some basic emotional intelligence skills.

I asked myself:
1. How am I feeling?
2. How is she feeling?
3. What is the outcome I want?
4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?

Sounds simple right? Actually it is, but it hasn’t always been that way for me.

Let’s break down the process:

1. How am I feeling?
I’m actually pretty unfazed by the ticket. Obviously my preference is that we don’t get tickets, but I’m feeling compassionate for Kim. I’m also immediately seeing an OPPORTUNITY to deepen Kim’s trust and respect for me. This is so critical! When our spouse makes a mistake and we respond with strength and kindness, our bond grows. It’s like putting money in our emotional bank account. In the past I might have gone to the dark side and criticized my partner, or subtly shamed her. Make no mistake, this is deadly. I might even still do this when the stakes are higher or I’m at a weak point… but mostly I’m beyond this. How did I get beyond it? Practice. Awareness. Commitment.

2. How is she feeling?
She is obviously upset.

3. What is the outcome I want?
I want her to feel totally loved and love-able, open and trusting of me, happy. I also don’t want to start racking up speeding tickets.

4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?
It’s clear that Kim is beating herself up for getting a ticket. The last thing I’m going to do is rub her nose in it. I chose to support her and consciously help her move into self-forgiveness and love as quickly as possible without rushing her or being Mr Fix-it. She is grateful for this, and I get to enjoy the energy of a grateful and loving spouse. Win-Win! I also TRUST that she has learned whatever she needs to learn from this experience and there is absolutely no benefit to de-briefing this point with her.

Imagine all the ways this could have gone sideways. All it would take is a bit of unconscious, unskilled behaviour from me and we could have gone downhill fast (believe me, entire days and weekends have gone this way in the past). But we didn’t. And for this I’m grateful.