You have a unique opportunity as the primary man in your woman’s life.

She has doubtlessly had negative and painful experiences in relationship to men. For some women these experiences have been mild, for some they have been extreme. Maybe daddy or other adult males ignored her, shouted at her or molested her when she was a young girl. Maybe she had a terrible experience with a boyfriend, uncle or stranger. 

The point is, you can be nearly certain that she is holding some past hurt from a man and that this hurt is leaking into her relationship with you.

Is this your fault? Of course not. Can you do something about it? Absolutely. And when you do - she will benefit, you will benefit and the relationship will prosper. 

So what to do?

1. What you’re (hopefully) already doing.
At the most basic level, simply do your best at what you already know is important. (If you don’t know what is important, read the books in my sidebar and attend my Gender Synergy 101 teleclass!) Listen. Be Patient, Solid and Trustworthy. Know your Heart. Keep working towards being the man you truly want to be. (Again, if you don’t know what this means - find out now! Stop reading, pick up the phone and call me. It’s important.) 

2. Look For Her Missing Experiences.
At the next level, you can get more strategic. What are the missing experiences in her life involving men? What need was never met? Is it having a man listen to her without trying to fix her? Is it having a man keep his word and be accountable? Is it having a man be totally present while she freaks out? Is it feeling safe in her sensuality? Not sure? Listen for clues. Next time she shuts down or accuses “You always…” or “You never…” chances are THAT’S her missing experience. It may or may not actually be true in THIS case, but that’s not the point. This isn’t about YOU right now, it’s about the little girl who didn’t get what she needed. See if you can recognize what her missing experiences are, then provide them lovingly and without fanfare. 

3. Provide Missing Experiences Together.
At the third level you actually strategize together, naming missing experiences and then providing them to each other. This requires a fair bit of trust, willingness and sophistication. A professional third party (generally coach or therapist - I offer this service) can be a valuable facilitator for this process. You may want to check out the Imago Theory of Relationship developed by Harville Hendrix and popularized in his book “Getting the Love You Want.” I’ve worked with this book personally and found it valuable (although like many relationship self-help books it would benefit enormously from an understanding of Gender Synergy principles!). 

This healing approach to relationship provides many benefits:

• When you ask yourself “Hmmm, what’s her missing experience here?” you automatically step back from a volatile situation and get some perspective, making yourself less likely to get “hooked” and throw gas on the fire. It gives you a framework that lets you take conflict less personally.
• She gets met from you in a whole new way and sees you with new eyes.
• Entrenched relationship systems get infused with a new kind of energy.
• Your relationship takes a bigger form and gains a new sense of meaning and mission (Oh, we’re here to heal each other…).

By making an intention to help your woman heal, through her relationship with you, you also give yourself an opportunity to cultivate the positive masculine traits that will drive your own success and healing in every aspect of your life. Consider this, for many guys, it is the sense of mission, of rising to the challenge, of succeeding in the face of adversity, of truly serving… that is the masculine missing experience. 

Pitfalls… beware:

• You are not your partner’s therapist! Don’t get clinical or analytical with her. She’ll probably hate it. Show up authentically as her lover.
• You are not responsible for her actions. 
• Not everyone is ready to jump into this kind of work. Approach it gently and compassionately. Like Gender Synergy, the benefits of this approach can be enjoyed with or without your woman’s conscious participation.  
• She’ll probably test you. She’ll wonder, “Is this for real?” Maybe she’ll turn up the heat and see if you crumble. At level 3 you might name this. Whatever else you do, get support from outside the relationship - your conscious buddies, men’s group, coach, counsellor or therapist: this is critical!

I stumbled upon Wayne Levine’s BetterMen site recently while browsing men’s resources online. I shot him an email in support of his work and he quickly replied, then mailed me a copy of his book - Hold On To Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men.

I was a bit sceptical. With the squirrel on the cover and chapter titles like “Silence the Little Boy,” I half-expected a shallow, confrontational and possibly venomous approach to relationship issues.

However, Wayne’s depth of character, understanding and wisdom quickly becomes apparent. The writing is well grounded, humorous, and honest. The tools Wayne offers, while perhaps appearing simple or surface, actually open the door to a depth of experience that is profound: owning your Masculinity and using your masculine gifts to create a successful relationship, and ultimately a better world. He doesn’t use these words, he just tells you how to fix your relationship with simple directions that virtually any guy can understand and relate to. 

That is where this book totally succeeds: Wayne simplifies becoming a “Better Man” into a step-by-step program that has mass appeal to typical guys. You don’t have to be “deep.” Having done a lot of “inner work” is not a pre-requisite.

Hold On To Your N.U.T.s is certainly an invitation to depth and self-growth - accept the challenges in this book and you WILL deepen and grow - but in a truly masculine way, which is notably different from the feminine path. 

The potential exists (and my hope is) for this book to pave the way for more mainstream participation in the powerful Men’s Work that is happening around the world. With the feelings of shame, dis-empowerment, frustration and confusion that run rampant among men and boys today, it’s no easy task to convince them to step up and take responsibility for creating successful relationships with women and the world. Perhaps this book will make a difference. I know I’ll use it, in fact I already have.

Most guys won’t ask for directions until they’re completely lost. My advice? Buy this map at the first sign of trouble.