Men need heroes, and Jim MacLaren is my newest. When he says “I don’t think it’s too way out there to say maybe I was supposed to break my neck,” he brings the idea of turning challenges into opportunities to a whole new level. 

My good friend Jean-Pierre LeBlanc turned me on to this video, which is no surprise given his own passion for turning challenges into opportunities.

By the way, both Jim and a longer version of this video can be found at the Keith Ferrazi Community - an online community of professionals and entrepreneurs who are helping each other succeed through the power of generosity and authentic relationships.

Please come by and look me up!

Cultivating True Success in Life, Work and Relationships

As human beings with a masculine core, men have special gifts to offer the world. Unfortunately, there is generally little support for men to develop to their truest potential. Many men have unknowingly twisted or disowned their true masculine nature in order to survive in confusing times. 

The Masculine Path uncovers these inherent gifts and cultivates the positive masculine qualities in each of us so that we can take greater Leadership in our lives, relationships, organizations and beyond. This men’s group provides challenge, encouragement and accountability on our individual paths of masculine integrity and excellence.

The group is facilitated by Professional Coach, Relationship Mentor and Certified Hakomi Therapist, Justice Schanfarber. This group is not therapy. It is based on principles of Gender Synergy, personal responsibility and developing an integrated, masculine-centred approach to Life, Work and Relationship Success.

The Masculine Path is for Men who:

•  Have a Masculine Core (regardless of sexual orientation)
•  Are willing to develop a deep Honesty with themselves and others
•  Have Goals, Vision or Longing for a Truly Meaningful, Healthy and Successful Life
•  Are ready to improve their Relationships, Marriage and Family Life 
•  Enjoy being Challenged and held Accountable by Conscious, Trustworthy Men
•  Will commit to showing up Real and pushing their Edge
•  Value Integrity and Personal Response-Ability
•  Want to discover their true Masculine Gifts and become a better Man - Husband/Lover/Father/Friend

Because we meet by telephone, this group is accessible to men everywhere.

NEW GROUP STARTS MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2008! (New Groups starting regularly.)

To Learn More: The Masculine Path

The common way to interpret personal energy is - You either got it or you don’t. If your energy is “low,” you’re tired or depressed. If you have “lots of energy,” you’re amped up, ready to go. This is a quantitative sort of energy where you can imagine yourself as a measuring container with x amount of energy units to spend.

But a more subtle and qualitative sort of energy is just as important and real. This kind of energy is the vibe that we give off (a slang term that is in fact very accurate - all energy vibrates at a particular frequency). 

This qualitative energy can be thought of as both the sum total of our outer expressions (clothes, posture, facial expression, tone of voice), as well as the underlying inner quality of our being.

The important point is that we unconsciously communicate with and affect each other in real and measurable ways… invisibly… energetically. Maybe you have some sense or understanding of this. Did you know that you can consciously transform the kind of energy or vibe you give off, for your benefit as well as everyone else’s? 

For almost 20 years, Heartmath Institute has been measuring and studying the electromagnetic fields (EMFs) that our bodies emit, and they have made some fascinating discoveries:

• Our hearts emit measurable EMFs. So do our brains.
• These EMFs interact with each other, affecting our cognitive abilities and emotional states.

Also:

• Our heart’s EMFs, (as well as our brain’s) extend well out from our bodies and, get this,  affect other people’s hearts and brains!

I’m not going to go deeply into the specifics of this in this post, but suffice to say… You are right now unconsciously affecting your own and other people’s (ie: your lover or spouse’s!) emotional states, cognitive functioning and physiology with your own subtle energies, including the quality of your thoughts and feelings. Imagine the implications for your relationship.

The only question is… will you make it conscious? 

Visit the Heartmath sites, check out their fascinating findings, and take advantage of the resources they offer.

Links:

Blog: The Heartmath Report
Heartmath: Science of the Heart
Solutions For Stress

Kim and I tied the knot on Saturday, August 16. It was an amazing, unforgettable (and very hot!) day. We are eternally grateful for all the love and support we received from the fifty-some friends and family that graced us with their presence. 

We have been together for over four years, have had lots of ups and downs, and have a lovely two year old daughter together. Our marriage celebration has tangibly deepened our sense of connection, commitment and joy.

Many of our guests were touched by our vows and more than one asked me to make them available for future reference, so I’ve posted them here.

If you’re a regular visitor to this site, or a client or colleague, see if you can recognize the Gender Synergy elements…

My Vows:

Kim Marshall, I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have you as my wife. 

I promise to support you in every way that I know.

I love your ease of joy and your open, loving heart. 

I take it as my mission to give you reason and opportunity to continue opening and softening in all our years to come. 

I value you as my inspiration and my teacher. 

I vow to continue cultivating skill, trustworthiness, integrity and strength throughout our life together - in service to you, our family and the world.

I vow to be true, present and steady, and to bring humour, generosity and depth to our marriage.

I promise these things knowing full well that I will be both challenged and rewarded, and I’m  grateful for all of it.

Kim’s Vows:

Justice, I often think back to that weak-knee moment when we hugged, and I knew you were the man for me.

Surrendering to that knowing, in the face of adversity, is what brought me here today, to this joyous occasion.

I vow to continue surrendering into the wisdom of my heart, and into your embrace.

I trust in the goodness of our union, and vow to nourish and care for myself, that I might always inspire your heart and light up your life for all the years to come.

I vow to open in love more each day, and to nurture ease, happiness and well-being in our home and marriage.

I vow to let go of what does not serve me, and to move always toward joy.

I vow to welcome your gifts without reservation and to enjoy all the fruits of our togetherness in gratitude, love and even occasional reckless abandon.

I promise you the world within me.

There’s something inspiring about her. Maybe it’s a big thing, maybe it’s small. 

There’s a moment that she does or says something, or a way she moves. Let go of your criticism for just a few minutes. What’s divine about your woman? What stirs you?

Now choose to celebrate that. Celebrate it with a few deep, conscious breaths right now on your own. Celebrate it with a gift to her. You don’t have to tell her what you’re celebrating, but tell yourself.

If you’re not used to celebration, you might wonder what exactly I mean. Consider this equation: CELEBRATION = APPRECIATION + ACTION.

CELEBRATION IS APPRECIATION IN ACTION.

My coach Jean-Pierre LeBlanc turned me on to this simple and powerful realization during a group call. I understood the power of appreciation, but conscious celebration was less familiar. Now it has become second nature (thank you Jean-Pierre)! 

It’s easy to get hooked into fixating on all the problems in your relationship, the things you don’t like. This can become habitual, until subconsciously you believe that there are only problems to be fixed, only deficits.

You’re familiar with the law of attraction? What you focus your attention on expands. What you appreciate… appreciates. 

Well, CELEBRATION is like APPRECIATION to the power of ten because it includes ACTION. And because you are a human being with a masculine core, action is a potent synergist for whatever you find inspiring in Her.

Here it is in four easy steps:

1. Identify something (anything!) in your woman that you like, that you want more of.
2. Find a conscious, tangible way to celebrate it, alone or with her (or even with others…).
3. Watch it grow!
4. Repeat.

Imagine this - All of your life being a celebration… your appreciation in action. No more re-acting against, or numbing out. Pure celebration. What would your life be like? What would the world be like?

It’s possible. Start where you are. Start today. 

Here’s a CHALLENGE, and an opportunity to MAKE IT REAL and MAKE IT STRONGER: Share your celebration with our readers. Tell us WHAT you choose to celebrate in your woman, HOW you will celebrate it, and WHEN. Or share your stories of past celebration and the effect it had.

My hope is to see hundreds of men step up to this challenge and encourage other men with their ideas and stories of actively, consciously, celebrating their women. Please share.

At the root of any authentic spiritual practice is the cultivation of awareness beyond ego.

Your intimate or romantic relationship has much to offer in this regard. In fact, I suggest that this is one of the primary functions or opportunities that relationships offer.

Generally we enter relationships with the unconscious desire to feed or strengthen our egos, which is useful and appropriate at a certain stage of development. Over time however, The Universe/God/Goddess/Dharma/Awakening Consciousness usually has other plans for us!

The conflict, pain and disappointment that many of us experience in relationship has the potential to break us open in healthy surrender to a deeper aspect of our true selves. 

Once you open to this realization, your relationship landscape will change drastically, with possibilities showing up where bleak hopelessness once reigned. 

A very nifty tool for busy people who want to cultivate deeper awareness in their life and relationship is Spirituality & Practice, a unique online service that offers very digestible email study courses based on the work of leading spiritual teachers, both living and dead.

The quality of your gaze, your touch, your tone of voice - these little things contain powerful messages that shape your relationship, consciously or not. Slow down and pay attention to the subtleties of your life together. It’s the undercurrents, the little things, that contain the big things, not just the other way around. 

The masculine is concerned with big things, with boldness and grand gestures. There’s nothing wrong with this - it is as it should be - but know, the feminine picks up on the little things and turns them into big things. A masterful man sees the big reflected in the small and acts accordingly.

When I was going through a rough time six years ago, a wise friend gave me a piece of advice that stuck with me. Just like most wisdom, it resonates simplicity.

His advice was… Help Others.

These words landed on fertile ground and blossomed into the work I do today. And what I’ve discovered is that this kind of helping others also helps myself. Isn’t it amazing how that works?

When I coach, teach, mentor and love others, I too get the wonderful benefits.

When I learned the simple secrets of Gender Synergy, not only was I transformed, but so was my lover, my clients and so on. As the sign says at my Yoga studio, “When we change ourselves we change the world.”

Change the world tonight.

Join me for the free teleclass GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships at 7pm tonight (August 6th, 2008).

Sign up at the top of this page to receive dial-in instructions. It’s free and without obligation.

Learn More:

Gender Synergy

Integral Relationship, Gender Synergy, and the New Manhood

The Power of Sexual Polarity

What Men are saying about Gender Synergy:

“I’ve learned the value of being totally present with the woman I’m with. I’m able to communicate directly despite any fear or misgivings, and I’ve let go of attachment to how my expressions are recieved. I feel like I’m being true to myself and to her, and creating a space where love can truly flourish. The results have been amazing.” ~ Tomas Hicks, Vancouver BC

The gender synergy information was truly enlightening for me. It’s astounding - learning and applying new models of behaviour. Thanks for being a positive force in my life!” ~ Kevin Beesley-Hammond, Co-owner Mint Records

(Note: I was introduced to Ken Wilber’s work nearly a decade ago and have been playing with applying his language to the Gender Synergy model of relationship since I first started working with GS over a year ago. Presenting Gender Synergy in Wilber’s Integral terminology frames it in yet another way, hopefully recognizable and digestible to people familiar with his work. It’s been fun, illuminating and very useful to hold these models together.)

The language of Integral Theory fits my vision of new manhood and Gender Synergy relationships nicely. Here’s an introduction in Integral terms:

Most of us have a reasonably accurate understanding of the differences between masculine qualities and feminine qualities. At this time in our culture, ignoring or challenging these differences is common. Ignoring them is rather futile, it’s like pretending that there is no hot or cold, no sweet or salty. Challenging them is a healthy part of our evolution, but must eventually give way to something else.

Ken Wilber, pioneer of Integral Theory, uses the phrase “transcend and include” when he talks about how individual or group consciousness evolves. This phrase is meant to explain how a healthy evolutionary process doesn’t just jump from one absolute truth to another, but builds upon the best of previous knowledge and experience without becoming so tied to all of it that upward movement is arrested. 

Let’s apply this to the evolution of intimate relationships between men and women.

First, we must understand that all of us, men and women, contain and express BOTH masculine and feminine qualities. In other words, we all run both masculine and feminine energies, by varying degrees (It’s also worth noting that these energies can both run “light” to “dark,” but we’ll save that piece for another time).

Traditionally, men have run predominantly masculine energy, while women have run predominantly feminine. This was largely unconscious and a product of the times. Certainly biology, social construct, environment and so on all played a roll.

More recently, times have changed. Circumstances and consciousness have changed. Women have largely led the change, rising into their power and embodying more of their masculine energy. Simultaneously, men have been quietly discovering their feelings and embodying more feminine energy. This has been an important step, but the common error of our time is to assume that we have finished here, that by becoming “50/50″ or even reversing our gender poles, we have finally achieved balance, or equality. 

Ah yes, equality.

This relatively recent move toward social, economic and political equality between the sexes has been absolutely necessary. But, an equality that does not recognize the inherent QUALITATIVE differences between masculine and feminine throws the baby out with the bath-water.

A “transcend and include” approach to gender equality is for men today to INTEGRATE the feminine qualities they’ve discovered in themselves, to draw freely on them when this will be in service, but to CHOOSE generally to honour and lean into their masculine core, especially in relationship to their woman. For women, integrating their masculine qualities, drawing on them when appropriate, and CHOOSING to generally relax into their feminine core is the possibility. (Yes, there are gay and bi-sexual applications too, but it’s more than I want to get into on this short post.)

Some people fear a return to “pre-equality” when I talk about this, and it is crucial to understand the difference between (and here again I borrow a theme from Wilber) “pre-equality” and “trans-equality.” In the the pre-equality stage, there is no conscious choice. Men and women are locked into roles. In the trans-equality stage, women have discovered and integrated their masculine qualities, men have discovered and integrated their feminine qualities, and both CHOOSE to mostly inhabit their authentic core gender energies, KNOWING THAT THEY CAN DRAW ON BOTH MASCULINE AND FEMININE ENERGIES WHEN THEY CHOOSE. This creates a healthy sexual polarity or charge between men and women (Gender Synergy) that is largely missing today.

Find out how to put these principles to work in your relationship and life. Join me on my free 90 minute teleseminar GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships. Sign up at the top of this page. ***IMPORTANT: The next teleseminar is only a few days away, so please sign up now to receive dial-in instructions! There is no charge and absolutely no obligation.