I received a promo blurb on this in my inbox recently along with an intriguing excerpt. I’ve read What is Enlightenment magazine occasionally over the years, and this issue obviously grabbed my attention. So much so, that I was compelled to try a subscription. I’m really looking forward to receiving this most current issue in the next few weeks and you can expect to see a review or excerpt in an upcoming post.

The excerpt that I received was “Gender Equality Gone Awry (click to read).” 

Oh, you’ll want to read this short manifesto from WIE editor Andrew Cohen as well: “A Call To Arms For The Postmodern Male”

Here’s what the publisher says:
Constructing the New Man
Perspectives on Masculinity in the 21st Century

Continuing the inquiry that began with last summer’s widely discussed issue on women,WIE presents an in-depth look at the twenty-first-century man. What is authentic masculinity today? How has the move toward gender equality changed society’s rules—and roles—for men? Is there a “new man” emerging on the horizon, ready and willing to reshape our culture in the coming decades? Approaching these questions and others through a multidimensional lens, WIE delivers one of our most culturally provocative issues yet. Featuring: Ken Wilber, Andrew Cohen, Ani DiFranco, Harvey Mansfield, Jean Houston, Jenny Wade, Erwin McManus, Rebecca Walker, and more.

Anybody read it yet? Comments? Looks Juicy!

You have a unique opportunity as the primary man in your woman’s life.

She has doubtlessly had negative and painful experiences in relationship to men. For some women these experiences have been mild, for some they have been extreme. Maybe daddy or other adult males ignored her, shouted at her or molested her when she was a young girl. Maybe she had a terrible experience with a boyfriend, uncle or stranger. 

The point is, you can be nearly certain that she is holding some past hurt from a man and that this hurt is leaking into her relationship with you.

Is this your fault? Of course not. Can you do something about it? Absolutely. And when you do - she will benefit, you will benefit and the relationship will prosper. 

So what to do?

1. What you’re (hopefully) already doing.
At the most basic level, simply do your best at what you already know is important. (If you don’t know what is important, read the books in my sidebar and attend my Gender Synergy 101 teleclass!) Listen. Be Patient, Solid and Trustworthy. Know your Heart. Keep working towards being the man you truly want to be. (Again, if you don’t know what this means - find out now! Stop reading, pick up the phone and call me. It’s important.) 

2. Look For Her Missing Experiences.
At the next level, you can get more strategic. What are the missing experiences in her life involving men? What need was never met? Is it having a man listen to her without trying to fix her? Is it having a man keep his word and be accountable? Is it having a man be totally present while she freaks out? Is it feeling safe in her sensuality? Not sure? Listen for clues. Next time she shuts down or accuses “You always…” or “You never…” chances are THAT’S her missing experience. It may or may not actually be true in THIS case, but that’s not the point. This isn’t about YOU right now, it’s about the little girl who didn’t get what she needed. See if you can recognize what her missing experiences are, then provide them lovingly and without fanfare. 

3. Provide Missing Experiences Together.
At the third level you actually strategize together, naming missing experiences and then providing them to each other. This requires a fair bit of trust, willingness and sophistication. A professional third party (generally coach or therapist - I offer this service) can be a valuable facilitator for this process. You may want to check out the Imago Theory of Relationship developed by Harville Hendrix and popularized in his book “Getting the Love You Want.” I’ve worked with this book personally and found it valuable (although like many relationship self-help books it would benefit enormously from an understanding of Gender Synergy principles!). 

This healing approach to relationship provides many benefits:

• When you ask yourself “Hmmm, what’s her missing experience here?” you automatically step back from a volatile situation and get some perspective, making yourself less likely to get “hooked” and throw gas on the fire. It gives you a framework that lets you take conflict less personally.
• She gets met from you in a whole new way and sees you with new eyes.
• Entrenched relationship systems get infused with a new kind of energy.
• Your relationship takes a bigger form and gains a new sense of meaning and mission (Oh, we’re here to heal each other…).

By making an intention to help your woman heal, through her relationship with you, you also give yourself an opportunity to cultivate the positive masculine traits that will drive your own success and healing in every aspect of your life. Consider this, for many guys, it is the sense of mission, of rising to the challenge, of succeeding in the face of adversity, of truly serving… that is the masculine missing experience. 

Pitfalls… beware:

• You are not your partner’s therapist! Don’t get clinical or analytical with her. She’ll probably hate it. Show up authentically as her lover.
• You are not responsible for her actions. 
• Not everyone is ready to jump into this kind of work. Approach it gently and compassionately. Like Gender Synergy, the benefits of this approach can be enjoyed with or without your woman’s conscious participation.  
• She’ll probably test you. She’ll wonder, “Is this for real?” Maybe she’ll turn up the heat and see if you crumble. At level 3 you might name this. Whatever else you do, get support from outside the relationship - your conscious buddies, men’s group, coach, counsellor or therapist: this is critical!

Men often crave the relief and satisfaction of completion. We like to do a job well, and move our focus to the next thing.

When our relationship challenges keep resurfacing over time it’s important to remember that relationship mastery is a journey, a gradual (or sometimes sudden) series of deepening experiences. It’s not a destination. Don’t be in too much of a hurry to finish - it’s not done until you draw your last breath! If you’re waiting to find reward until the journey is complete, you’re ripping yourself off, and her too.

Please, celebrate your accomplishments and milestones along the way. Relax into your relationship now, even though you haven’t “mastered” it, knowing that there are always more challenges and rewards to come. 

Learning to rest in the present expansive moment, no matter what the flavour of that moment is - THAT is the path of mastery. Learn to do THAT and your life and relationship will transform.

How to get there? Practice. There is expansiveness in every moment if you will open to it. Every time you forget, it is always there to come back to. Underneath whatever activity is currently commanding your attention - a project or report, sex, an argument, a hockey game - there is a deeper experience to feel into.

This is why many men have meditative or contemplative practices, to get good at feeling into the depth and expansiveness just below normal consciousness.

Despite the deluge of quick fixes, seduction techniques and “secrets” flooding the internet and bookstore shelves, bringing this depth of awareness into your relationship is really what the journey of relationship mastery is all about. And first you’ll probably have to learn to bring it into your life in general. (see Getting to Breakthrough)

Expect your internal blocks to get in the way, many of them un-integrated wounds left over from childhood. Anger, fear, resentment, mistrust and so on can keep us from feeling into the depth and openness of our true selves. This is where good therapy, mentoring, coaching and spiritual and insight practice can be invaluable. Check out some of the books in the sidebar on this site.

May the writing and resources on this web site inspire, inform, challenge and ultimately help you to enjoy your journey.

(Note: Today’s post is by Charlie Badenhop. Find out more about his work by following the links at the bottom of the post.)

About thirty seven years ago I was both unlucky and lucky enough, to be incarcerated for five months in a Greek prison during a military dictatorship. Myself and many other foreigners were swept up by the military government in an attempt to rid the country of “undesireables”. 

I say “unlucky” because even though I was never charged with a crime, I was forced to live in harsh and dangerous prison conditions. I say “lucky” because I met some of the finest people in the world while in jail, and learned much that has sustained me in the rest of my life. 

I’ve decided to finally share some of my Greek stories with you, in the hope that you might benefit from what I learned “the hard way.” 

________________________________________

My first day in jail I met an unshaven Greek man in his sixties. I had been placed in a holding cell, and spent 48 hours with this gentleman by the name of Stephan, and one other man. As it turned out, Stephan wound up in the same prison as me, and he was to become my benefactor and friend. 

After sizing me up for an hour or so and saying nothing, Stephan sidled up alongside of me and offered the following gems of wisdom. 

“You’ll need to learn quickly in here” he said, “You have no choice.” 

“Life is not fair. If anyone led you to believe it’s supposed to be, then they’ve badly misled you. Getting angry about what’s unfair will not serve you. When you hear an angry voice in your head, know it as an enemy. Anger will only tend to make you act without wisdom.” 

“If you’re not angry then you’ll tend to have a good relationship with time. In jail, time is an ally. Time is all you have and you have to spend it wisely. When you’re not angry and you’re getting along well with time, you’ll tend to get along well with people. Good relationships and strong bonds of friendship are crucial.”

“If you’re in a good relationship with time and people, you’ll tend to be more patient. Patience is another important ally. The more you try and hurry the more likely you are to stumble. If you’re patient you’ll have more peace of mind, and you might even occasionally feel happy. The more you watch others who are impatient and try to rush things, the more you’ll understand that impatience is a cousin of fear.”

“It’s important to cultivate a heart that’s free from fear. When you’re fearful you won’t have the courage it takes to defend yourself and do what’s right. Fear is not something you will easily overcome but you need to do your best no matter what, because you’ll need to learn to endure pain and suffering rather than trying to run away from it. There is no place to run.”

“When you’re fearful you lose the ability to speak the truth at the times when truth is most important. In here you’re going to need to learn how to live amongst thieves, murderers, and con artists. These people will talk all sorts of nonsense to try and get what they want from you. Because of this it’s important you speak in a clear and simple manner, so people can feel the truth of your words. You need to defend the truth as if it was your child.”

“It’s not the bars on the windows and doors that keep you in jail, but rather the thoughts you hold in your head and in your heart. If you want to be free, you need to be thankful for the time you have to spend here. I really mean that! You need to have a sense of gratitude no matter what happens, and express your thanks by being kind to other people. You see, it’s the expression of gratitude and kindness that will strengthen you to endure physical and emotional hardships. Gratitude and kindness reconnect you to the spirit that animates all of life. In the process you learn that even as there might be more pain and suffering in the future, there will also be more of you.” 

“And finally, it’s important to know it’s a strength to weep for others, while all the time never feeling sorry for yourself.” 

Stephan paused and stared into my eyes. 

“Take some time with all that I say here. Sit by yourself if you need to. Breathe deeply and take in the signs of life and spirit, that are all around you. Find a way to ask for the things that cannot be spoken of in words.”

(From Pure Heart, Simple Mind. By Charlie Badenhop - originator of Seishindo.  (c) All rights reserved.)

Some important things in life are so obvious that they’re often ignored. Much relationship friction (and not the kind you like) can be attributed to these four basic infractions:

1. Lack of Sleep
Since I’ve had kids I’ve seen first hand the human need for rest, both from my own experience of sleep deprivation, and from observing the little munchkins. When little kids get tired they snap. They turn into demons. Adults do too, we just don’t have someone to make us go to bed.

How many times have you been up late into the night arguing passionately about something that seems totally inconsequential in the morning? Or is it just me…

2. Lack of Exercise
Exercise is a natural mood elevator. It also enhances sexual performance. So Just Do It.

3. Stress
We assume that we have to live with high levels of stress and anxiety. We don’t. You have choices. There are TONS of de-stressing techniques and lifestyle changes to explore. One really important thing to notice is how caffeine affects your RQ (That’s Relationship Intelligence). Coffee is so pervasive in our Starbucks culture, we forget how powerful a drug it is. I had to stop drinking coffee because it basically turned me into an asshole. I can squeak by on tea.

4. Poor Eating Habits 
Eating well stabilizes blood sugar and makes you more resilient to relationship stress and challenges. The mealtime ritual can also be a good time for connecting with your sweetheart. I have a lot to say about eating and nutrition but since this is a relationship blog I won’t digress.

So before you start griping on your relationship, or even start couples counselling or coaching, be honest about how well you’re taking care of yourself right now. Sometimes the answer isn’t complicated, it’s right under your nose, and it’s just just a matter of committing. Of course we all WANT to get enough sleep. We WANT to exercise, to reduce our stress levels and to eat well. So now you have even more incentive. 

What’s that you say? It’s hard to stay accountable to yourself? I know someone who specializes in that sort of thing…

    What’s better: 

    The Majestic Mountain Peak or the Lush Valley?
         Hot or Cold?
              Hard or Soft?
                   Wet or Dry?

Without one, would the other even exist? 

We live in a world of apparent opposites, of polarity. Our planet’s rotation and very existence depends on the magnetic poles of North and South. You could say that polarity is a kind of universal law. When it comes to human sexuality we are wise to remember this. 

The women’s equality movement and modern liberalism in general has brought many benefits. Men and women are now positioned to move forward with the understanding that we are QUANTITATIVE equals, that is, neither is inherently superior or inferior to the other. However, if we ignore our QUALITATIVE differences, our relationships will continue to suffer. 

It is the polarity between masculine and feminine that provides the attraction, the magnetic pull and even the drive for evolutionary and spiritual growth.

Try to flatten the mountains and fill in the valleys, and you’ll create a “flatland” relationship. Do away with hot and cold and you get eternal lukewarm. Yuck.

Wouldn’t you rather learn to bring the power that makes the world go ’round into your intimate relationship?

Find out how:

Sign up for my free teleclass GENDER SYNERGY 101: New Hope For Relationships at the top of this page and join the hundreds and thousands of other men, women and couples who have discovered the secret to relationship success.

I stumbled upon Wayne Levine’s BetterMen site recently while browsing men’s resources online. I shot him an email in support of his work and he quickly replied, then mailed me a copy of his book - Hold On To Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men.

I was a bit sceptical. With the squirrel on the cover and chapter titles like “Silence the Little Boy,” I half-expected a shallow, confrontational and possibly venomous approach to relationship issues.

However, Wayne’s depth of character, understanding and wisdom quickly becomes apparent. The writing is well grounded, humorous, and honest. The tools Wayne offers, while perhaps appearing simple or surface, actually open the door to a depth of experience that is profound: owning your Masculinity and using your masculine gifts to create a successful relationship, and ultimately a better world. He doesn’t use these words, he just tells you how to fix your relationship with simple directions that virtually any guy can understand and relate to. 

That is where this book totally succeeds: Wayne simplifies becoming a “Better Man” into a step-by-step program that has mass appeal to typical guys. You don’t have to be “deep.” Having done a lot of “inner work” is not a pre-requisite.

Hold On To Your N.U.T.s is certainly an invitation to depth and self-growth - accept the challenges in this book and you WILL deepen and grow - but in a truly masculine way, which is notably different from the feminine path. 

The potential exists (and my hope is) for this book to pave the way for more mainstream participation in the powerful Men’s Work that is happening around the world. With the feelings of shame, dis-empowerment, frustration and confusion that run rampant among men and boys today, it’s no easy task to convince them to step up and take responsibility for creating successful relationships with women and the world. Perhaps this book will make a difference. I know I’ll use it, in fact I already have.

Most guys won’t ask for directions until they’re completely lost. My advice? Buy this map at the first sign of trouble.

I learned the power of acknowledgement in my training and experience as a coach. Acknowledgement feeds people. A well-placed and heartfelt acknowledgement can get through the toughest armour. It can even melt frozen hearts. And it’s free, doesn’t cost you a thing. No matter where you’re at in your relationship, you have endless opportunities to acknowledge a positive quality in your woman. Please start acting on these opportunities today!

I want to clarify - Acknowledgement is different from Praise. Acknowledgement directly names the core qualities that you see in someone. It speaks to a person’s BE-ing. Praise tends to be more about a person’s DO-ing.

ie: 
“You are wise,” is an acknowledgement. 
“You made a really wise choice,” is praise.

Both are valuable. Praise might be easier to give, but acknowledgement can be so much more powerful. If giving acknowledgements is challenging for you, know that it gets easier with practice. And know this - the more that you acknowledge the qualities that you appreciate in your woman, the more they grow. 

So here are the 5 ingredients for success:

1. Authenticity. 
Your heart must be in it. If you’re not feeling it, don’t say it - it’ll sound lame. (This doesn’t mean it has to be ALL you’re feeling). Get in touch with the TRUTH of your acknowledgement before you deliver it. Never fake it. This isn’t about sucking up or trying to guess what she wants to hear. It’s about cutting through your own noise and bullshit, seeing something amazing or beautiful in the woman that you’re with, and naming it, with courage if that’s what it takes.

2. Brevity. 
Keep it short and sweet. The best acknowledgements are generally three to five words: “You are —.” Say it, then wait. Don’t fill the gap! Let her digest it. Keep eye contact. Feel into the energy of the moment. 

3. Healthy Detachment.
She may blow it off. She may melt. Mean it, say it  - then immediately let go of the outcome. Saying these words is as much for your benefit as hearing them is for hers.

4. Timing.
Life is full of poignant and powerful moments. Use them. An acknowledgement delivered after the fact loses its impact. Its power is in the now.

5. Focus.
Make it about Her. Powerful acknowledgements honour the person being acknowledged. Stick to the “You are —” format. ”You are a good mom” is a lot different than “I think you’re a good mom.”

Here are some sample acknowledgements:
“You are beautiful.”
“You are wise.”
“You are very loving.”
“You’re smart.”
“You’re really fun.”
“You’re radiant.”
“You’re resourceful.”
“You are inspiring.”
“You are strong.”

She is your equal, but she is different from you. Are you blindly trying to make her the same? Do you really want yourself for a lover?

Maybe she makes less money than you and feels badly about not contributing enough. Do you subtly re-enforce this? How generous do you allow yourself to be? What she has the potential to give you through her sheer feminine brilliance is far more valuable than cash. Do you encourage this brilliance through your actions and attitude, or are you stuck in “equality issues?” 

Maybe she makes MORE than you, doing work she loves, and you resent this. Can you let go of this love-killing fixation and take inspiration and nourishment from her? 

You probably pride yourself on certain qualities. 

Maybe you always put the CD back in its case. Maybe you’re always on time, or can account for every penny you spend.

Good for you, but don’t expect the same of her. When you reduce your relationship to navigating domestic life with maximum efficiency you kill love. Don’t nag her for leaving the CD out of its case, just put it away. And not with resentment, but with gratitude. Make it an act of celebration for the fact that she has been born, grown to adulthood and is now here, helping you feel something.

It is precisely her qualities that challenge you that are right now making you a better man. Wake up to this and start making your differences work for you.

My fiance Kim came home this morning in a tizzy after a Saturday morning grocery shopping fiasco. I had a client meeting later in the morning and was parenting our daughter while Kim was shopping. So Kim was in a bit of a hurry to get the shopping done and get home on time. The long and short of it is that she got a $150 speeding ticket AND forgot to get her change and receipt at the grocery store.

She arrived home visibly upset and frustrated.

Now, I wasn’t thrilled at having just spent $150+ needlessly. But before I even responded to Kim, I took a few moments to slow down and check in with myself using some basic emotional intelligence skills.

I asked myself:
1. How am I feeling?
2. How is she feeling?
3. What is the outcome I want?
4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?

Sounds simple right? Actually it is, but it hasn’t always been that way for me.

Let’s break down the process:

1. How am I feeling?
I’m actually pretty unfazed by the ticket. Obviously my preference is that we don’t get tickets, but I’m feeling compassionate for Kim. I’m also immediately seeing an OPPORTUNITY to deepen Kim’s trust and respect for me. This is so critical! When our spouse makes a mistake and we respond with strength and kindness, our bond grows. It’s like putting money in our emotional bank account. In the past I might have gone to the dark side and criticized my partner, or subtly shamed her. Make no mistake, this is deadly. I might even still do this when the stakes are higher or I’m at a weak point… but mostly I’m beyond this. How did I get beyond it? Practice. Awareness. Commitment.

2. How is she feeling?
She is obviously upset.

3. What is the outcome I want?
I want her to feel totally loved and love-able, open and trusting of me, happy. I also don’t want to start racking up speeding tickets.

4. How do I behave to manifest that outcome?
It’s clear that Kim is beating herself up for getting a ticket. The last thing I’m going to do is rub her nose in it. I chose to support her and consciously help her move into self-forgiveness and love as quickly as possible without rushing her or being Mr Fix-it. She is grateful for this, and I get to enjoy the energy of a grateful and loving spouse. Win-Win! I also TRUST that she has learned whatever she needs to learn from this experience and there is absolutely no benefit to de-briefing this point with her.

Imagine all the ways this could have gone sideways. All it would take is a bit of unconscious, unskilled behaviour from me and we could have gone downhill fast (believe me, entire days and weekends have gone this way in the past). But we didn’t. And for this I’m grateful.